Working Moms: We are Tired

I'm just tired.

Not only in the sense that I'm sleepy but just tired.

Laundry is all over the place. I can't keep up with it. No matter what.

Piles and piles of paperwork, kids artwork, and things to put somewhere, anywhere.

Dishes, dishwasher, make coffee.

Stop looking at social media, focus.

There is so much work to be done for my actual job. If I sit here for a few hours until midnight, I'll still be not done.

Get up at 5am but there still aren't enough hours in the day. Did I even sleep?

Drop off kids, pickup kids. Drive, drive, more driving. Sit in car, wait, wait, more waiting.

We don't have enough food in the house, we need more snacks. Buy snacks. We need more!

Argue with the husband, and again, and again. We're both tired, over-worked, need a break.

Making decisions every day. Some easy, some not so easy. The mental toll is exhausting. Mentally failing.

Must eat healthy. Must find a way to exercise more. Must lose weight.

Clothes baskets piled up. Need more baskets. 

Make appointments. Doctor. Dentist. Hair cuts. Don't be late. Rush, rush, rush.

Feed cats, clean up after cats, why do we have cats.

Three meals a day to feed the kids and now we need a meal after school. Four meals a day. Need more food.

Vacuum again. And again. Dust and again. Mop the floors, change the sheets, clean up the cat hair. For one minute it's clean and then start again. 

Conference calls all day. Don't eat. No time. Be camera ready. Put on smile. Be alive and well. Drink lots of water. Keep hydrated. 

Out of milk. Buy more milk. Kids need milk. 

Take my pills. Don't forget. Late for my mammogram. That is bad. No time. Gotta make time. See the doc. Get my bloodwork done. Forgot, make another appointment. Don't forget. Block the calendar.

So many emails. Can't keep up. Bad employee?

Was that a text message? A Slack note? An email? Where was it? I can't remember. What day is it?

Car needs gas. More driving, more waiting.

Hampers over flowing. Do laundry. Lots of it. 

Yard work needs to be done. The yard is a mess. Sweat, dirt, all over the house now. Clean again. Poison ivy. Why me?

Hear the news. Die a little inside. Life is so hard but you're on the high end of the spectrum. Be lucky. Feel guilty. You're going to be fine. You'll survive. Others, not so much. Be grateful. More guilt. It's just life. You chose it. 

Trash to collect. Trash to take out. Recycle. Trash. Clean the fridge. Clean.

Birthday is coming up. Can't do too little or too much. What to buy? What to do? Make sure my child feels loved on her birthday. Guilty. Worried. What if I'm a bad mom?

Nothing fits. I have to get kids new clothes. Sort through the old. Donate. Sell. Throw away socks with holes. So much to keep up with. 

Laptops charged for school? Sneakers for gym days. Library books. Sign the form. Bring your stuffie in today. It's rainbow day. Make sure they look amazing. Take a photo.

Make lunches. Healthy food only. No waste. Only use containers. No trash. Be green. Keep kids fit. Lunch notes. I have to print them and be perfect. Can't miss a day. They expect those notes. 

Bills to pay. How much did that cost? School photos, yearbooks, sports photos, activities costs, donations. Dish out more money. Raffles. Raise money. Gotta get a new playground at the school. Buy, buy, buy.

Someone had an accident? Cat puked? Clean up. Do the sheets. Sanitize.

Volunteer to do this. Volunteer to do that. Guilty I can't coach little league. Sad I can't be with both kids at activities at the same time. I'm a bad mom.

Mother's Day. Christmas. Birthdays. Father's Day. Gifts. More gifts. Buy, buy, buy. Argue over spending. Spend. Argue. Spend. Argue. Budget. Spend. Still argue.

She can't sleep. He needs another hug. She can't find her blankie. He needs water. She has to pee. Go to bed. I need to go to bed so you have to go to bed. Guilty, sad, bad mom.

Why is my tween moody? Why is my little one crying? I'm a bad mom. I'm yelling. I'm frustrated. I'm angry. I want a BREAK.

Contractor costs what? Need to paint. Need to fix the house. Live like a hurricane hit the house. Deal with it. Get over it. It's temporary. Where are my scissors? Why can't I find underwear?

Laundry. Do the laundry.

Mom Jeans and All that Jazz

So I went to American Eagle to buy jeans today.

Cause Gandhi from the Elvis Duran and the morning show told me about these new curvey jeans from American Eagle that fits every body. And because I listen to this radio show while running, I’ve heard it about a hundred times. I felt it would be rude and indecent of me to not listen to the commercial and buy a pair already.

I walked into the store with my four year old son in tow for the only free 20 minutes I had for my week before a big work trip. I wandered around reading every jeans table sign looking for “curvey”. Nada.

Finally a sales woman came over and asked if I needed help (thank the lord). My response: I’m looking for short, fat girl jeans. I hear you have some of those?

Instant awkwardness. From me. My bad.

She showed me the curvey selection they have available and I instantly regretted my choice of stores. Every single pair, holes down the front. Classy, people, real classy. If I wanted holey jeans, I’d just continue wearing my Wal-Mart jeans with the all-naturale holes.

She offered up a size that may fit me (un-holey, yay!) and I literally had no idea what size I’d be at their store. So I grab 3 pairs of humongous sizes just to be safe. She piled me up with about 9 pairs and I asked her if the sizing there typically ran big or small. She said small. I instantly wished I’d just kept with my Wal-Mart crap.

My son and I went into the changing room where he started belting out Taylor Swift. I put on the first pair and felt they could go all the way up to my chin and back. The next pair was a bit snug which my son decided to tell me I was too fat for. Thanks buddy. How about I was thinner until I had you, child, and you made me eat carbs EVERY day and though you’re four years old and I’ve been running and eating healthy for over a year, my 5 month pregnant looking belly may never go away and it’s all your fault and good thing you’re cute.

I got bored after trying on three pairs and figured I’d just get the ones I can pull all the way up to my chin and hope for the best.

I went back up to the counter and pretty much embarrassed myself to no end with old lady questions. Can you find me the exact same pair in black? This style, size etc (pointing to the tag as if she is blind)? Were these supposed to go all the way up to my chin? Are these on sale by chance? Can you order them online? Too bad you don’t have extra short, right!? Can I get them in two days? Can you tell I rarely buy jeans?

About an hour later (okay, maybe five minutes but it felt like an hour), I paid for my new jeans and awkwardly fast mom walked out of the store.

I learned a lot on this outing to buy myself jeans:

1. I should probably buy myself better quality stuff all the time and not just my kids…
2. American Eagle is totally a young people’s store and I faked it but didn’t make it…
3. Don’t premise a conversation with “I’m looking for short, fat girl…” anything.
4. Leave the toddler at home next time you’re in a dressing room...

Music Battles are the Best

My husband fell asleep on the couch the other night; with his glasses on his face and the TV on.

A natural and almost nightly occurrence for sure. The man works hard! He’s up early! No big deal.

I figured the simple process of turning the TV and lights off and me going upstairs would wake him per usual. But this time not so much.

As I sat in bed pondering my options, I reminisced about our old music fights. It had been a while. If you’ve never had a music fight, well buckle up because it is our favorite way to fight. Thanks to our love of music and the ability to play music anywhere in the house through our phones, our song battles were often and well loved.

We’d be arguing about something stupid so then we’d blast a song to each other in different parts of the house as we weren’t talking. I always started with Fuck You by Lily Allen because, why not. Then he’d play Bitch by Meredith Brooks. Usually I’d play a “Baby” song of some sort because he was acting like a baby, of course. And the battle would go on until we got bored and were laughing hysterically. You may think this is an unusual method for couples but I relished those music fights. Fun times! By the way, did you know there is a song called D. I. V. O. R. C. E.? Hahaha

So anyways, I was sitting on my bed wondering if I wanted to let him sleep all night on the couch hunched over with glasses on. Obviously not. That would be mean. So naturally I did the next best thing. Rather than go downstairs to wake him up, I asked Alexa to play Wake Me Up Before You Go Go, by Wham - really loud.

That did the trick. He was up, yelling obscenities for the record. I smiled at myself for the ingenuity of the situation. What a good wife I was! However, instead of turning off the song, he asked Alexa to make it louder. It was just after 11 p.m. and Wham was blasting through my house as if a sudden rave had popped up out of nowhere.

What would good mom do in this situation? I freaked the shit out! OMG the kids are going to wake up! Boy did he turn the tables on me! Frantically I worked on turning off the music as the hubs came upstairs with a smug smile on his face, sauntered into the bed and said good night.

I finally got Wham to shut the fuck up and ran to the kids beds to make sure they were still out cold. Thankfully they were. We have heavy sleepers so he knew they wouldn’t wake up but knew I’d freak out that they would.

Dodged that bullet! Phew!

The next morning both my kids came downstairs singing Wake Me Up Before You Go Go out of nowhere and kept complaining why that song was stuck in their heads. I nearly died laughing.

Bon Voyage 2017

Goodbye 2017...

I’m not sad to see you go. To me, 2017 was a shit year.

On the surface, it would appear to everyone around me that it was fantastic. But to me personally, it’s been a struggle.

Just admitting to that is hard. But even more so, it makes me sad.

In 2017, our daughter went from being a gymnast for fun to an actual competitive one. She has competed in 3 meets coming in first place all around in one and 2nd place all around in another one. She’s a determined, strong young lady with so much drive that I can’t help but see so much of her father in her. Everything she does, she works hard for and does it well. She’s a fighter - growing so strong and more beautiful every day.

Even with all she’s accomplished this past year, 2017 was still a struggle for me.

In 2017, our son just turned 3! Already! He’s so freaking smart and very fresh - but only for me. He took to potty training like a champ and is thriving at his new school. A decision I made and felt guilty for for a long while. He wants to be just like his sister and is not afraid to ask for privacy in the bathroom or tell me to stop singing if I’m annoying him. Though he can be a total pain, he’s the sweetest boy and I’m so grateful to be his mom.

My sweet boy is growing and doing well but still 2017 was a struggle for me.

My husband needed an outlet for work stress and had a desire to get fit. He has been at the gym almost every day for months now and has lost a lot of weight. He looks fantastic, is in a better place, and is healthy. I’m so proud of his progress and dedication to getting fit. He’s been an inspiration.

But 2017 was still a struggle.

I got a promotion at work, did some really awesome things, and took on the task of a working mom like a hurricane. Driving from one thing to the next, doing fun things with the kids, and making sure they were a part of something amazing. I struggled, but I did it.

We all have our health.

We have a roof over our heads.

We have enough money for what we need.

We have family and friends.

But 2017 was still a struggle, for me.

So with all we have accomplished, I’m sad how much 2017 was a struggle for me.

The personal struggles I’ve been through this year are just that, personal. I have avoided writing about it hence have avoided writing in general. And a non writing writer is the worst kind.

Someday I will talk or write about it but for now, it’s still going on. I’m just not ready.

I’d like to sit here and say 2018 will be better but I’m not going to lie to myself. I have no idea what 2018 will bring.

All I know is that I will try my best to not struggle for 2018. I want more than anything to thrive. One day at a time, I hope I can get there.

Laugh Until You Cry - It's Good For You!

My husband sent me a video. I was just about to start my work day so I clicked on it.

A video of He-Man and Skeletor dancing - completely innocent.

That's when I lost more than ten minutes of my day.

Laughing.

Then crying because I was laughing.

Then wheezing because I was crying from laughing so hard.

But I was all by myself - home alone. There was no one to share in my joy. So I set up to record myself for proof. I couldn't stop.

I realized that I hadn't laughed that hard in a long time. The mere thought of that made the crying start. Crying and hysterical laughing. Then I had to dial into a conference call. Still laughing and crying while trying to calm down. Which made me laugh and cry even harder. Then I had to unmute my line while sniffling and snorting to then explain why which made it start again. Thank goodness for the mute button.

So here I am laughing, crying, the works! Someone totally made my day today and I'm grateful!

Today, have a good laugh. I feel like a million bucks!

Enjoy the video of me below and of course don't miss the He-Man one above!

 

The Day the Lady at McDonald's Helped a Sister Out

To the Lady at McDonald's,

I had a day. It started out okay. It was going pretty good actually. Had some friends coming over to swim with my kids. Work was going smooth and knew I’d have time for a few hours off to visit. But all that changed in one second.

A few weeks ago, a beer bottle fell and broke on my floor. My husband and I did our best to clean up all the glass and spilled beer. All was well or so we thought.

My son was walking through the living room as he does all day everyday but this time he fell on our shag carpet and started screaming. I picked him up not sure what had happened but then I saw the blood on his foot. There was a tiny glass shard sticking out the bottom of his foot. I could see the sharp edge and despite my toddler screaming for dear life tried my best to get it out. After failing miserably, I called my pediatrician for advice and let my son float in the pool until we had to go see the doc.

My friends left and I packed up my limping son and pouting daughter for the doc. I got in the car and realized I’d not drank much all day and was dying of thirst. I parked at the doctor and since it’s the same plaza as a CVS, I carried the injured toddler across the lot with my still sulking daughter to get a Gatorade. After getting the Gatorade, I went to pay and at that point my arm was throbbing from holding my 26 lb kid. So while holding him and trying to pay I somehow dropped the entire contents of my purse and my wallet on the floor. Now I couldn’t put my son down because of his foot. My face was beet red and I was dripping with sweat as I quickly had my daughter help me fill back up my bag. The man behind me in line was smiling as I apologized for the hold up but he was very gracious and polite so there was that. I literally ran out of CVS with both kids to get to the doctor’s office on time.

Once in the AC again and checked in, I went to put my wallet and purse back together again. That’s when I noticed something was missing. My change purse full of gift cards was not accounted for. I quickly called CVS and the woman found half of my purse still on the floor. FUN! I assured her I’d be right back after my appointment.

Meanwhile the doctor looked at my son’s foot and he had to get the glass shard out. For the next 10 minutes, my one and half year old sat on my lap squeezing my head and his blankies screaming and crying and sweating while the doctor dug the shard out with a needle. All the while my daughter hiding behind me worried about the situation wondering if it would ever end.

I put on a brave front but I was ready to lose it. I had left my purse contents in CVS, my son was going to hate me for life for A: leaving a glass shard behind and B: letting a doctor gouge out his foot with a needle. An eternity later the miniscule shard was out and despite the dramatics and pain, my son was perfectly fine. I walked out of the office holding in the tears.

Back to CVS I went to got my change purse, my chapstick, library card, and old shopping list and pen. Whoops...

I told the kids I’d get them McDonalds for dinner. After that whole ordeal and it being 5:30, hell no was I going home and trying to get dinner sorted. I knew I had a buy one, get one free Happy Meal coupon. I figured we’d end the day on a fun note. Who doesn’t love a Happy Meal! I mean, it was the least I could do after my son enduring the pain and my daughter having to witness it.

Upon reaching the drive through, I checked my McDonald’s app. I knew I had a paper coupon but thought the app had the same deal. I ordered and when I reached the pay window, realized the app deal was not that. It was buy a salad or meal and get a free Happy Meal. Fuck. I had that paper coupon though but no idea where it went. I had already told the guy I had it. That’s when you, the manager lady, came over to the window.

You saw the look on my face. You could tell I’d been through hell and back with this whole glass in my son’s foot ordeal without me having to say anything. I embarrassingly searched through my wallet and phone for the deal. It’s not like I couldn't afford two happy meals but I had a coupon! I could feel the tears start to well up in my eyes. I kept thinking in my head, this is nothing. Life could be so much worse. Just as I was about to throw my hands up and say forget it, I’ll just pay for both, you said, you know what, don’t worry about it. I’ll put in the coupon. I’m sure you have it somewhere.

Simple. You took my word and gave me the deal.

It was a very small gesture but relief washed over me. I felt like I was going to be okay. I made it through the day and you, a perfect stranger, had my back. So thank you lady at McDonald’s. You gave me a free Happy meal and gave his hard working, tired, stressed out momma a break.

Sincerely,

The mom who forgot her coupon

Cars Suck and Silly Things that Make me Laugh

My daughter is on April break right now. I figured I’d take off a few days so we could have a long weekend doing some fun stuff. It was a nice thought.

The week before my four day weekend with the kids, I decided last minute to book a trip to the New Jersey shore. My parents wanted to scope out a beach house for the summer so I tagged along. I was envisioning a couple days swimming in a hotel pool and walking the beach with the kids. Time away from the monotony of day to day life. Some sun and sand and fun!

The day before we were to leave my son started puking and had a fever. The day we were leaving he was a bit better thankfully so we hit the road.

An hour into the trip my car died. On the highway.

An SUV with four adults, two children (plus car seats!) and an entire weekend of gear jam packed into it. Dead.

(Just think about that for a second.)

I was able to coast into a Dunkin Donut parking lot (thankfully) and we had to unload the kids and carseats while the car got towed leaving us stranded there with bagels for dinner until a very helpful family member came to pick us up. We then had to go to the towed car and jam pack all our gear into the other car - and yes reinstall car seats! Fun!

Hotel canceled (but still charged). Beach trip canceled. Vacation ruined.

We spent the weekend at my parents. Oh and I tried breaking into their house at one point and set off the alarm.

My children were driving me nuts, bummed about their lost trip so I left after day two to head home and stop at the beach. We lasted 45 minutes until one had to pee and the other had consumed way too much sand.

But we will prevail I told them! We will make lemonade out of lemons, Goddammit, if it kills me!

The next day we had a good day of hanging out, playing, and another hour at the beach. Not too bad! I even had a spontaneous date night with my daughter which was just what we needed.

Then I heard my car was actually dead and will cost a fortune to fix. So now I’m car less and broke. And all those vacation plans I was working on for the summer are dead as well.

And I woke up this morning to a screaming toddler and then spilled coffee all over me burning my boob. Seriously.

All I want to do is eat my feelings and give up on life. Talk about a downer.

I put on TV for the kids because I just wanted to shower in peace and think about things. In the shower, I was feeling really down. I was about to cry and then I remembered that it could be worse. Some bad luck can’t make me so miserable. It’s just a car. My toddler will grow and stop crying constantly.

Out of the blue, in the shower, I drew a penis on the glass door out of the condensation. I have NO idea why. Then I started laughing hysterically. So I drew another one. And then some boobs. I was laughing so hard, my child came from upstairs to check on me.

So misery, be damned. Tears, go away. Car, FU for messing up my vacation. I have my health, I have my kids, and I can draw penis’. And I can laugh it off and pray for better times ahead!

ABBA: The Family Band!

"Imagine it!" I say to my husband at 6:37 a.m. in the morning.

"Husband and wife plus their boy and girl. On stage. Singing Abba!"

"We could be the Abba Family Band or Abba Family Singers or Family Abba Singers!"

I start doing the moves. I am singing the song.

"See that girl, watch that scene..."

"There was something in the air that night, the stars were bright, Fernando!!"

I dance some more. I point to my daughter and say join me. She rolls her eyes.

My son is laughing and doing his best toddler bounce dance moves.

The husband is rushing around the kitchen getting ready to leave for work.

I keep singing, music blaring.

I keep on at him.

"Seriously, we can do it! Quit our jobs and take the show on the road! People would come from all over to watch us and listen to us sing Abba music! We both know all the words. We both love their tunes. I've got the voice! Let's do it!"

He looks at me and starts talking about taxes and laundry. I jump away and dance and sing some more urging him to think about. He tells me to stop a sec because he really needs my attention about something.

Boring talk commences.

Then back to dancing and singing. Let's do it! I keep on at him and Lyla.

I say to the daughter, "Think about it! Me and you and the whole family on stage singing this gorgeous music! We could travel the world and sing on stage. Wouldn't that be SO fun?!?! We can get the cool Abba costumes. Lots of sequins!"

She looks at me and says no.

Then she stops and thinks. She says, "I know, I'll make you a deal. You buy me a beanie boo, and I'll do it."

SOLD! I yell! Whoohoo!

Jared says his goodbyes.

I yell as he leaves, "Put on Abba in your car on the way to work. Jam it out! Think about it! Let's DO it!"

He shakes his head at me. He must think I'm a nut. I am a nut.

But I'm a serious nut! Singing Abba songs as my job for the rest of my life = heaven!

I'm going to start practicing today. Just in case. I can see my life changing for the good already.

Honey I'm still free, take a chance on me.

via GIPHY

BAD

My daughter never stops talking. Something I hear daily from my mother is "payback is a bitch". Because apparently I was the same way. I don't get annoyed by it for the most part. I cherish it because I know it about ten years from now when she's a moody teen, I may never hear her voice innocently but only in a sarcastic, annoyed tone.

Every day on the way to school it's a conversation. Most days I'm exhausted as all moms are and the topics she brings up just tire me out more. Today was no exception. Here is the conversation she decided to start today, out of the blue.

Lyla: Momma, what's jail?

Me: It's a place where bad people go.

Lyla: What is it like?

Me: It's a big building with little rooms with bars. People who got in trouble have to go there for a certain amount of time until they can get it. Think of it as a cage for people who broke the law.

Lyla: They stay there for ten years maybe?

Me: Well it depends on what they did. If they stole something they may have a few years to be in jail. If they killed someone probably longer. Or if they sold drugs...

Lyla: What are drugs?

Me: (dammit!!!!) Drugs are BAD! Know how I take my pills everyday? Those are good and they help me stay healthy. Drugs are pills that are BAD! DON'T EVER TAKE DRUGS! EVER!

Lyla: Are they just pills?

Me: No they can be pills or liquid? DRUGS ARE BAD! DON'T EVER DO DRUGS!

Lyla: So liquid is bad?

Me: (OMG! what have I just gotten myself into!) Any drug is bad; pills or liquid. Can't we talk about something else now?

Lyla: So people who do drugs go to jail?

Me: Yes!

Lyla: Why do they do drugs?

Me: Because they are DUMB and WEAK. DON'T EVER DO DRUGS! PROMISE ME!

Lyla: Okay momma. And people who kill people go to jail. What if, oh my God, what if someone has a gun and they kill people! They'll go to jail for like ten years?

Me: Or forever! Let's talk about something happy now, okay? And don't go to school today and talk about jail and drugs and bad things? Okay?

Lyla: Okay! (smiles)

I need more coffee with booze. Coffee with booze.

Resolutions are a Load of Crap and All that Jazz

If you woke up this morning on January 1, 2016 and thought "Today is the day!" - Good luck with that...

No matter what you plan to do for 2016, remember it was just yesterday that we rang in 2000. We all survived into the next century - 16 years went by like the snap of my fingers. If we've learned anything at all this past year and every year it's this:

There are never enough hours in the day.
Unless that day is hellish and then it drags on like wildfire.

The days go by fast.
Try not to wish for it to be over.

We grow and our kids grow.
Cherish your time with them even during the rough times.

Stay in the present.
Stop wishing for tomorrow, next week, or month.

There is only one life to live.
Live it to the fullest.

So don't make a list and try to stick to it. Throw it away. Just try to...

Be happy. Be healthy. Be kind.

Done. Enjoy 2016. One more snap of the finger and it will be gone.

Airport Musings

Traveling for work and observing... Man I LOVE people watching; especially at the airport.

Some musings:

Tall people have really big hands. REALLY big hands. This chick's hands covered her whole laptop. I have munchkin hands. Makes me want a big lollipop from munchkin land over by Oz. I'd say hi to Glenda the Good witch for you.

Everyone at the airport looks like someone I know for some reason. Seriously.

I just saw my reflection in the mirror and realized I looked like a homeless person. I took a pic but can't share it. It's that bad. And I did shower this morning. I need a stylist or a style. Or I need time or a personal assistant. Or something...

They also have really long forearms. Tall people. You with me? I literally just shrunk the size of my screen so lady longlegs didn't see me talking about her. She's pretty. Pretty LONG. Haha, I'm so going to hell. No really, she is a very pretty girl. Just next to me she looks long. I bet if she stands up, she'll be 5'8 or something. Not even that tall. I'm just a shrimp, that is the real problem. She is probably looking at me thinking I resemble a meatball. Eh, whatever.

There is a woman over there with shiny black pants. REALLY shiny. And a very shiny floral tight top  that is VERY loud. Oh and she's got cheetah print flats on that are furry. But she smells good. Thank goodness for that. Wow is she a sight!

I just had to move seats. There was someone around me with lethal smelling burps. I kept gagging. It was THAT bad. I got up and sat somewhere else. I couldn't take it anymore. Goodness... STANK!

I swear, I went to high school with that guy. Nope, maybe not. OMG, that is my cousin's husband. Nope, he lives in Florida, can't be Tony.

Everyone is lining up to board the plane. We are ALL getting on the plane, relax people. You can't fit your enormous "carry on" overhead anyways. Take a chill pill and sit down. Stop waiting in line. There is no line. People are annoying.

Oh they are calling my flight. I should shut down now... Toodles!

Update: Omg I got a pic!! 

Things I Almost Tweeted Today

So may good one liners today! But I was too lazy to fit them under 140 characters!

When it comes to having a husband (like mine) who cooks, cleans, and does laundry OR kills spiders for you, I realized tonight I'd rather have the latter.

The worse time of day = after bath time. I need to get a diaper on, lotion my kid, and put on pajamas all without either of us hurting ourselves.

Lost my cool in front of the kids today. Screamed like a banshee when a wood spider came out of the tub faucet. Good thing my baby thought it was funny and laughed at me.

In the process of transporting said spider from the dry tub (with my naked baby in it) to the toilet, I dropped him unbeknown to me. Therefore two minutes later we all screamed again when he was on the floor right next to us.

My baby finally grasped how to do 'how big is the baby?! SO BIG!' today. So naturally I taught him how to say "dude" as well. He did good. A+ for effort.

Teaching my son to say "dude" was successful two fold. It actually sounded like "dude" and it royally pissed off my British husband cause he really despises that word. Okay, okay. We'll work on "mate" tomorrow.

The Prince With No Care

I woke up around 4:30 with the baby boy and was singing the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song for some unknown reason. It was very odd. Then I spun it to my own theme song.

Sing this to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air Theme Song. Enjoy.

Now, this is a story all about how

My life got flipped-turned upside down

And I'd like to take a minute

Just sit right there

I'll tell you how I became the mom of a prince with no care

In Bristol, Connecticut was born in raised,

On the sports field is where I spent most of my days

Chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool

And all shootin some b-ball outside of the school

When here comes my husband who was up to no good

Started to make trouble right up in my hood

It happened so fast and I got pregnant right there

Boom into the world came our prince with no care

I begged and pleaded with him day after day

But he still did what he wanted in his own way

Put him in his high chair and tried to make him eat

Instead he turned around and wanted to stand up in his seat.

Put him in his play pen so he would just stay

But the whining then starts and it’s not okay

No matter where he is he stands up to bite

Hmmmmm this teething thing is not alright.

Let him crawl around because he just wants his freedom

I try to put on cute shoes but he really doesn’t need’ em

As soon as he’s free he heads right for the stairs

I’m really not prepared for this prince with no care.

It’s all gone down hill as soon as he started to move

Why can’t you just sit still, you’ve nothing to prove

You’re sister was an angel, would always behave

You’re always pushing boundaries, trying to be brave

I whistled for you and when you came near

I told you that you’re so cute and that you’re my dear

If anything I could say that this cuddle was rare

You need to be on the move, you prince with no care

I rocked you to sleep around 7 or 8

And I whispered in your ear, hope I don’t smell ya til later'

I looked at you my darling

Though you give me gray hair

I love you my boy, my prince with no care

A Wacky Kindergarten Poem

Yes, I stay up until midnight writing wacky poems like this. So whenever I complain how tired I am, tell me to quit the silly poem writing at midnight.

This perfectly captures what has gone on the past few days at my house.

Enjoy!

A Wacky Kindergarten Poem
‘Twas the day before kindergarten and all through the home
Not one edible thing found wherever eyes roam

No candy no chocolate no carbs no ice cream
The momma was eating her feelings it may seem

She could feel all the pimples getting ready to start
But she didn’t care, her little girl, her love, her heart

Just one more bite she had to insist
But she had ate it all and got really pissed

The backpack is set, the clothes and shoes are fine
The little girl excited, the momma needing more wine

But what oh what is the mom going to wear
On the day she meets all the other moms out there

It really won’t matter because nothing fits
Stress and binge eating is most definitely the pits

Jeans, too tight, shirt too small has to go
If only she’d dropped her baby weight 6 months ago

Ooh the Little Mermaid tee, how about this
Crap she’s a ma’am and no longer a miss

What do grownups wear on occasions like these
She doesn’t really associate with old folks if you please

But oh dear she is the same ripe old age
She’s starting to get light-headed now with this stage

Her baby is starting full day school
It’s almost time to close the pool

Summer is over and it went by in a flash
In the blink of an eye, the bat of an eyelash

Now she’s got to find something suitable for herself
All these childish clothes need to go on a shelf

The time has come to admit who she is
A mom of a school-aged girl, a bright little whiz

It doesn’t matter what momma wears this first day
She needs to put the food down and just say

She’s proud of her little schoolgirl to be
Mom will look fine and girl too just wait and see

Now dad has to go shopping cause mom ate it all
And there will be lots of exercising this fall

And maybe next year when kids start at the bus stop
Instead of stress eating, this momma will just binge shop

Shit I'm Not Doing on Weekends

As a working mom, weekends are sacred to me. And thanks to this guy, we know we only have 940 Saturdays with our kids until they turn 18. 260 of those are gone by their fifth birthday. Great! Thanks for that…! Now every Saturday morning, I’ll wake up and think, 689 left! 688 to go…

Time flies. Life goes fast. Kids grow up. 940 Saturdays will be just a faint memory before you know it.

With that in mind, not to even mention I don’t have to work, you can guarantee there will be crap I’m NOT doing when the weekends hit. Especially on Saturdays!

1. I’m not making my bed! I don’t care. Unless I have company coming over, I’m just throwing the duvet up and taking a break. In the back of my mind I really do it in the .003% chance I can crawl back into my bed with an afternoon nap. Not that that ever happens but one could hope and wish!
2. I’m not cleaning my house! I will stay up all hours of the night on Friday if I have to so come Saturday my house is clean and I don’t have to lift a finger. You can all go on and on about how you don’t care what your house looks like and how you’ve got kids, etc. But my house will be clean, sanitized, and not cluttered. And I won’t be doing any of that on my weekends. You can sometimes find my mopping my kitchen floor or vacuuming at 11pm on weeknights. I will do what it takes!
3. I’m not running errands! There is nothing worse than going to Target, the grocery store, or wherever with five million other people on the weekends. I will try my best to not have to do any of this on the weekends. And if I have to, it will be at 8am or 7pm.
4. I am not having a jam packed schedule! If I want to putz around for an hour doing absolutely nothing, I will. Maybe I don’t want to play with my kids all hours of the day, organize something, or do anything. Maybe I want to just sit here and do nothing. I will do that!
5. I am not talking about work! You want to know how things are going? Talk to me on Monday. I may have to check in on email all weekend which I’m used to, but I’m not discussing it with the husband, the parents, or some guy at a kids birthday party. I need to destress on weekends, not worry about being over budget until Monday comes back around!
6. I’m not eating healthy! During the week I’ll eat beautiful, colorful food full of vitamins and minerals. I’ll pull a Pinkalicious and burp up brussel sprouts, gag on grapes, and choke on artichokes.

Weekends are something we all cherish. Kids aren’t in school, your day isn’t jam packed with conference calls, and you can stay in your jammies as long as you want. Just don’t expect my weekends to be bogged down with crap I’m just not doing!

I Used to be Cool...

yeah, i'm cool...

I do a lot of reminiscing. That’s mostly because life just goes by so fast and it feels like yesterday I was only a kid myself. But no in truth, I am a 30-something year old married mom of two (and by 30-something I mean in my 30s, one of those numbers because I really can’t remember which one and all I know is that every time someone asks me my age, I start with twent...and then realize nope, wrong decade!) Wishful thinking? Maybe…?

Inevitably, after you get married, buy a home, and start having kids, life definitely changes. 
You’re no longer buying new shoes, endless clothes, and purses in every color but instead spending money on diapers for the kids, mulch for the yard, and hemorrhoid cream for the butt (because if you are having babies, you’re most likely also getting those too!).

The other day I was pumping up a jam from back in the day, good ol’ Wyclef with Stayin’ Alive, which served as part of the soundtrack of my life for the better part of a year. As I danced around my kitchen with a wooden spoon making my kids laugh uncontrollably while at the same time impressing them with my awesome lip syncing capabilities, I realized that yeah, I used to be cool. My beautiful daughter was bobbing her head to the beat of Wyclef and I had this instant craving to tell her just how cool her mom was.

Diarrhea of the mouth quickly arrived and I started over sharing semi-inappropriate stories trying to prove to my five year old just how cool I was.

I was so cool that back in high school I used to sing and dance on tables to this very same Wyclef song at people’s house parties. Most of the time, I was the only sober one and the craziest! Man, I loved this song! (She wasn’t impressed.)

I was so cool that I used to drive a car with no top! I zoomed around town with my hair blowing in the wind and good tunes blasting from my stereo. (She loved this one.)

on top of the eiffel tower in my signature pose

I was so cool that I once skipped out of school early and drove someone else’s car without my license! (She’s just starting kindergarten so teaching her about skipping school was not my brightest moment… luckily a fly distracted her and she missed this anecdote.)

I was so cool that in Florence, Italy, I went to a discoteca and danced on top of a speaker in front of everyone. (Again, she’s 5, not the best story to share.)

I was so cool because I lived in London during college without gramma and grampa! (She was mildly impressed with this mostly because she was probably contemplating when she’d get to be on her own and stop being harassed to clean her room.)

I was so cool because I got to travel to China, Brazil, and lots of other far away places! (She started yawning.)

I was so cool that I got to go to tons of concerts all the time with daddy. We used to drive all over the place to see amazing shows! (She definitely perked up hearing this.)

I was so cool because I got to dance in front of the Eiffel Tower, walk on the Great Wall of China, see the Colosseum in Rome, go across the Tower Bridge in London, see all the bikes in Amsterdam, hear the Pope at the Vatican, travel all over Europe on a bus with a bunch of other 20 somethings, and went to an awesome luau in Hawaii. I’ve toured Scotland, Wales, Ireland. I’ve read hundreds upon hundreds of books. I’ve seen dozens of concerts. I’ve done clubbing, bar hopping, and wine tasting. I’ve worked my way up in my career - I’m a professional! I’m a published writer! I’m married! I’m a mom! (She stopped listening five minutes ago and is playing with her baby brother.)

I was am so cool because I’m your mom. I realized I wasn’t trying to convince her anymore but myself. Yeah I did use to be cool. But I still am and not because of all I’ve done and seen but because I’m the mom of the coolest kids.

Life sure does change. I used to be a cool in a…

flashing a river in Scotland because of a superstition,

asking a hot guy “can I jump your bones” to his face,

drinking shots out of a plastic sperm shaped tube…

kind of way.

I’m still that person but now I’m more of a cool,

dancing while I do the dishes,

singing into a wooden spoon,

teaching my kids how to head bang…

kind of way.

And anyway, it doesn’t matter what I think, my husband thinks, or anyone in the world thinks. My five year old thinks I’m the coolest around and to me that is all that matters.