Working Moms: We are Tired

I'm just tired.

Not only in the sense that I'm sleepy but just tired.

Laundry is all over the place. I can't keep up with it. No matter what.

Piles and piles of paperwork, kids artwork, and things to put somewhere, anywhere.

Dishes, dishwasher, make coffee.

Stop looking at social media, focus.

There is so much work to be done for my actual job. If I sit here for a few hours until midnight, I'll still be not done.

Get up at 5am but there still aren't enough hours in the day. Did I even sleep?

Drop off kids, pickup kids. Drive, drive, more driving. Sit in car, wait, wait, more waiting.

We don't have enough food in the house, we need more snacks. Buy snacks. We need more!

Argue with the husband, and again, and again. We're both tired, over-worked, need a break.

Making decisions every day. Some easy, some not so easy. The mental toll is exhausting. Mentally failing.

Must eat healthy. Must find a way to exercise more. Must lose weight.

Clothes baskets piled up. Need more baskets. 

Make appointments. Doctor. Dentist. Hair cuts. Don't be late. Rush, rush, rush.

Feed cats, clean up after cats, why do we have cats.

Three meals a day to feed the kids and now we need a meal after school. Four meals a day. Need more food.

Vacuum again. And again. Dust and again. Mop the floors, change the sheets, clean up the cat hair. For one minute it's clean and then start again. 

Conference calls all day. Don't eat. No time. Be camera ready. Put on smile. Be alive and well. Drink lots of water. Keep hydrated. 

Out of milk. Buy more milk. Kids need milk. 

Take my pills. Don't forget. Late for my mammogram. That is bad. No time. Gotta make time. See the doc. Get my bloodwork done. Forgot, make another appointment. Don't forget. Block the calendar.

So many emails. Can't keep up. Bad employee?

Was that a text message? A Slack note? An email? Where was it? I can't remember. What day is it?

Car needs gas. More driving, more waiting.

Hampers over flowing. Do laundry. Lots of it. 

Yard work needs to be done. The yard is a mess. Sweat, dirt, all over the house now. Clean again. Poison ivy. Why me?

Hear the news. Die a little inside. Life is so hard but you're on the high end of the spectrum. Be lucky. Feel guilty. You're going to be fine. You'll survive. Others, not so much. Be grateful. More guilt. It's just life. You chose it. 

Trash to collect. Trash to take out. Recycle. Trash. Clean the fridge. Clean.

Birthday is coming up. Can't do too little or too much. What to buy? What to do? Make sure my child feels loved on her birthday. Guilty. Worried. What if I'm a bad mom?

Nothing fits. I have to get kids new clothes. Sort through the old. Donate. Sell. Throw away socks with holes. So much to keep up with. 

Laptops charged for school? Sneakers for gym days. Library books. Sign the form. Bring your stuffie in today. It's rainbow day. Make sure they look amazing. Take a photo.

Make lunches. Healthy food only. No waste. Only use containers. No trash. Be green. Keep kids fit. Lunch notes. I have to print them and be perfect. Can't miss a day. They expect those notes. 

Bills to pay. How much did that cost? School photos, yearbooks, sports photos, activities costs, donations. Dish out more money. Raffles. Raise money. Gotta get a new playground at the school. Buy, buy, buy.

Someone had an accident? Cat puked? Clean up. Do the sheets. Sanitize.

Volunteer to do this. Volunteer to do that. Guilty I can't coach little league. Sad I can't be with both kids at activities at the same time. I'm a bad mom.

Mother's Day. Christmas. Birthdays. Father's Day. Gifts. More gifts. Buy, buy, buy. Argue over spending. Spend. Argue. Spend. Argue. Budget. Spend. Still argue.

She can't sleep. He needs another hug. She can't find her blankie. He needs water. She has to pee. Go to bed. I need to go to bed so you have to go to bed. Guilty, sad, bad mom.

Why is my tween moody? Why is my little one crying? I'm a bad mom. I'm yelling. I'm frustrated. I'm angry. I want a BREAK.

Contractor costs what? Need to paint. Need to fix the house. Live like a hurricane hit the house. Deal with it. Get over it. It's temporary. Where are my scissors? Why can't I find underwear?

Laundry. Do the laundry.

Welcome to Remote Work & Staying Sane During Covid-19 Crisis

As a full time, work at home mom for the past 10 years, welcome to my world everyone! With Covid-19 utterly shutting down our country, I’m grateful I can work remotely. Those of you joining the work at home gang I have some advice for you.

1. Have a schedule and stick to it - same goes for the kids. I will be spending my weekend setting up an hourly curriculum of sorts to keep the kiddos busy including school work, play time, crafts, conditioning (for the gymnast), outside time, and screen time. The plan also includes doing a research project, book report, and learning outside by planting vegetables and such. All it takes is one spreadsheet to get you going and keep on task.
2. Start your work early in the morning so you can justifiably have a few hours in the late afternoon for down time or to hang with the kids. The kids are going to want to be with you and play with you. Bake that time into the schedule so you’re not feeling guilty and them resentful.
3. Plan screen time around conference calls. It's the best way to have complete quiet/focus. Screen time should be closely monitored and controlled in my opinion. Save it for when you really need it.
4. If the opportunity allows, run to the dollar store or dollar general and get some new items to keep them entertained. When you need peace or quiet for work, throw them a new coloring book or activity they haven't seen before to spark interest.

During this time specific to the Covid-19 threat, my plans also include:

1. No play dates. Do virtual hangouts. I'm going to ask my kids' friends' parents for times and let them Skype or FaceTime to "play virtually". This will be our social interaction and I know it will help.
2. Keep "school" hours. No sleeping in or staying up late. No pajamas all day, every day. Keep some part of normal.
3. Lots of outside energy time allows for proper rest time after lunch so keep that “rest” time after lunch for your piece of mind and theirs.
4. If your child has an extracurricular activity, I plan to still do that but at home. They are missing soccer practice? Do “soccer practice” at the same day/time but at home and make a family event. If you don’t have equipment, conditioning is always fun and easy. My kids love conditioning. We have a conditioning dice ball and they roll it to see what they can do. Pushups, running, jumping jacks, etc. You can simply do this with popsicle sticks or using something online. Get your kids moving, it’s important!

It’s more important than ever that we keep social distancing so we don’t spread this nasty thing far and wide. Please do what’s right for your family and for those around you and stay home. We may all go a little insane there is a light at the end of the tunnel, I promise.

Find my school plan for my kids here to copy or share.

Even Working Moms on TV Don't Have it All

Being a sensitive person by nature, I always am tearing up or balling over things on TV. But if you are a fan of the show Homeland and you’re a working mom like me, there’s no way you didn’t get a bit choked up over the latest episode - the theme being you can’t be a career woman and a mom at the same time. Especially when you’re the super secretive, terrorism fighting, saving lives, bomb stopping, breaking and entering, seductress, bipolar CIA agent Carrie Mathison.

Every. Single. Day. I question my life choices. Want to own a home? Need a job. Want to pay for those expensive gymnastics team practices? Need that job to pay well. Need to replace the furnace of said home? Need a job plus a bonus or two for all the extras. Want to have some type of fun with your family? Need a job with vacation time!

Meanwhile I dream of the days when we can “downsize” and live on less when at the same time my husband begs me to drop everything, sell it all, and move. Can you say Island living? If island living has a walk in closet, a maid, and the same conveniences and opportunities for my kids, sign me up!

I have a career that I worked hard for because I had to. Not because I wanted to. However, over the years the want and the need have gone hand in hand. Especially on days when my toddler is driving me batshit crazy and I need a break to talk with grownups. I’m also lucky that I get to work from home, full time, in my mom pants. I can show up at my daughter’s school for all the special events. I can get up early or stay up late to put in hours. All the while my kids stand in my home office just hovering and waiting for attention. You want to be a mom on top of that job - good luck with that!

I don’t care how many articles I read about juggling the two or having it all - you can’t. It’s impossible. You’re always neglecting something; be it the kids, the husband, your work (your sanity!). I once had a mom say to me she doesn’t know how she’s so busy all the time as a stay at home mom. She also went on to say she doesn’t know how I do it all plus a job. I have to say that I’m one of the lucky ones who has a partner that definitely pulls his weight in the household chores category. But everything else a mom and an employee has to handle, I do on my own.

Then I watch this television show where Carrie the magnificent CIA agent is literally saving democracy and having her daughter taken away at the same time. You can’t fight the bad guys and be home in time for school pickup now, can you?! Now I’m not denying that this Carrie chick isn’t a bit nutso because the fact is she is bipolar on the show. Her character is also incredibly talented, intelligent, and super badass. Yet there she is watching her daughter being taken away from her while she jets off to an undisclosed location to, again, save her country for the 18th time at least during the show.

And yes it’s a tv show - I get it. Fiction! But there is no denying that there are some brave women serving our country be it in the military or as a federal agent. Some are most definitely moms as well. Maybe even at some point they had to leave their child for their job and for our country. It really sucks that a working mom has to put work before family.

So as the show rolled to credits, I sat there on the couch and sobbed for Carrie Mathison of Homeland and for all the other women in our world who have such tough decisions every day about how they can be a mom and be badass employees at the same time. I have to decide how much screen time my kids are going to get on snow days when I’m on back to back conference calls all day. I’m not deciding who’s going to be an interim mother while I’m out fighting crime. I don’t have it all that bad compared to the Carrie Mathison’s of the world.

I just find this whole idea that women can have it is all a crock of bullshit with a cherry on top. I have a beautiful, healthy family who I work hard to protect, grow, and take care of. I wouldn’t have it any other way. But I know the hardworking men in my life don’t think twice about “having it all” because even if they don’t, they do. There is no stigma around working dads. I’m a working mom who is not getting enough sleep, enough time with her kids, enough time for work, and definitely not enough time with her husband.

I’m a working mom struggling to get it all done, every day. I’m a working mom looking for the light at the end of the tunnel; for a time when I can sleep again. I’m a working mom, just like Carrie Mathison, fighting to survive my life.

 I feel ya, Carrie. I do.

Fairy Godboss - Yup, that's Me!

Have you heard of Fairy Godboss?

It's a great resource for working women. Definitely take a look and while you're there...

Check out my Fairy Godboss interview.

And yes, my 6 year old took my photo!

Healthy Advice from My Newly Six Year Old

My husband took me out last night. A spur of the moment, luckily got a babysitter kind of night. We were literally gone for only just under two hours. But it was enough time for me to A: cry like a baby, B: be away from my house and work, and C: chug down two margaritas thank you very much.

I had had a rough day. A rough day at work, a rough day with the toddler, and a very unsettling realization. A good friend of mine passed away just over a year ago and on my phone I had 2-3 voicemails she had left me prior to her passing. I hadn’t been able to delete them and would listen to them when I felt down. Last night when I wanted to hear them, they were gone. I guess my phone only saves voicemails for a certain amount of time; this I hadn’t known. I got my kids organized and safely playing and took a sobbing shower. The kind of shower you take when you need some privacy from your family and need to cry, really loud. I’ll never get those voicemails back. It broke my heart.

So off I went to drink (I had asked for some shots which the husband thankfully denied me). Two margaritas and some positive adult conversation later I was feeling a bit better albeit still pretty sad. When I got home, my daughter was still up so I went and laid in bed with her (aka passed out in a drunken stupor with her). She rubbed my head and cuddled with me only complaining that I had bad breath. I felt so ashamed that it had come to that; my six year old comforting me.

Eventually I picked myself up and went to bed.

I woke up this morning and got into the daily grind. My daughter found me when she woke and asked if I was feeling better. Then much to my surprise she said, “Yesterday is over and today is a new day. Let’s try to make it better.”

I couldn’t love her more if I tried.

A Working Mom Monday

My darling one year old son, Brighton, went to his first day of daycare or school as I like to call it today. It was just a three hour trial to make sure he did okay. The fact that when I opened the door and he just went running in without looking back made it perfectly clear to me that he was fine.

For those three hours I cried. I asked all the questions...

Why do I have to work?

Why does he have to be so difficult at home now that I can't manage him and work at the same time anymore?

Why do I need to pay someone else to watch him two days a week?

Do I need to send him to a center? Can't I just pay someone to come to me so he's still here in my house?

Why can't I afford a full time nanny at home?

I picked him up and he was happy to see me. When we got home, I tried to put him right in his crib to continue napping but that failed. He let me know that he would purposely bang his face on the crib until he bled rather than go back to sleep.

I then had two 1-hour long calls in which to keep him entertained and quiet. The first meeting he successfully threw almost every toy he owned down the stairs. Then he got unmanageable and I had to put him back in the crib to finally get that nap, but not until after he cried for a good 15 minutes and I cried while on mute on my conference call.

He woke up during my other call, crying. I tried to give him milk, a snack, let him play - all the while during my call. I grabbed a bag of cookies and gave him one and that made him quiet. That one cookie plus five more to end my call on a quiet note. During which Jared texted me to see if he was any better. To which I told him that I had just gave him a shit ton of cookies to keep him quiet and how I'm a terrible mother. To which he replied no, you do what you have to do.

Then after picking up Lyla from school, he threw his blankie in the toilet, that was full of pee.

I looked around my house and saw the hurricane aka Brighton that hit it. I could barely walk up the toy ridden stairs. And it's only 4pm.

Three more hours till my working husband comes home.

Still have to get through gymnastics, dinner while at gymnastics, bath and bed.

Yes, it is time for daycare is what is going through my mind. I need to get work done and he needs to hang out with some little people.

Meanwhile, my tsunami of toys, bloody sheet, and pee soaked blankie will get cleaned in due time.

On a positive note, I'm amazed at how I can handle all this shit and still work. I may have been listening to a load of crap from the babe and intermittently crying but I got work done, I paid attention on all my calls, and I made progress on stuff. Honestly, if they were to give moms Oscars (which they should), I would have been awarded one if not at least nominated.

Some day I will look back on this and wonder how the hell I survived. I will wonder how I did all that I did. I will only know that I loved my children so crazy much that I did whatever it took to keep them healthy, entertained, enriched, and alive. I will also know that the mere hug, smile, or happy face is all it takes to keep me going.

Crazy Storm, No Power, Camera On, Children Amuck and I'm Spent

At 2AM, the power went out.

The torrential rain, lightening, and thunder storm had caused me a painful sleep so far. I was exhausted. I jumped out of bed as the wind whipped around us. Jared woke up and said, man it sounds like a tornado.

TORNADO, OMG!

I stood in the middle of my room and scanned the windows watching for any sign of a tornado. Then realized I had no idea what the fuck that meant.

I grabbed my phone and spent a good hour googling tornado's on my phone while sitting on my bed. Checking my search history:

• how to know if a tornado is coming
• tornado safety
• safest places to be during a tornado
• weather in CT and tornado possibility
• average wind speed for tornado

I stopped when I read this:

A loud roar similar to a freight train may be hard.

Cause just then I heard the loudest whipping wind, I swear I had ever heard. I jumped out of bed again and in my mind I started planning. No joke this was my thought process:

Okay, I'll wait until I see the funnel in the window and when it starts to move across the house into my room first, I'll quickly wake up Jared, put on my slippers (cause the basement is cold), I'll tell him to grab Lyla and I'll get Brighton or I'll just grab both. I can't forget Lyla's blankie and stuffie and Brighton's blankie too (cause carrying both and their gear is easy). Oh and I may as well grab a big blanket too so they aren't cold. I'll take them all downstairs into the basement and get them set up. Then I'll run back upstairs and grab a flashlight, my phone, and some snacks. Then we'll sit and hope and pray our house does not get ripped off the foundation.

My totally insane and naive thought process astounds me. It was as if I was certain that when it would happen, it would come from that window over there and in to the house leave me plenty of time to do all those things.

I realized I was totally unequipped to deal with any natural disaster whatsoever. I checked on the kids, both of which slept through the entire storm. Then tried to go back to sleep which I failed miserably at. 

At 5am we were all up. Jared got the generator up and running and both the kids decided they were done sleeping. So of course he took off for work and I got stuck with both kids home since school is closed due to no power.

Fast forward to my work day after the storm.

#1: I'm exhausted. Can barely keep my eyes open.

#2: I laid on my neck in some weird way so it's killing me.

#3: I have a full day of lots of work to do and 2 kids to entertain.

Best part, on a conference call, I put on my camera to do my part of the call to about 20 people. When I was done, I was pretty sure I did turn my camera off. Luckily I was muted as I ran up my stairs while holding my laptop to go find my children running amuck because 5 year olds are not good babysitters. I heard a lot of, your camera is still on, Jessie. WHOOPS! Talk about embarrassing. 

Time for day care. Time for booze. Wait, it's 11:30. Time for booze.

I Had One Job

I had one job.

Well, technically I was working all day plus taking care of my one year old all day. So I already had two jobs so that makes three jobs but who's counting?!

The first day in a long time my husband got up and left for work; an hour commute there and back. He's been working from home alongside me for the longest time. But now that all changes. He's gone. Twelve hours. Bye bye. I've been talking about how he needs a job, bad. And now he has one. And it's been one day. And it SUCKS already.

From 7:00 a.m. to 7:00 p.m. I'm a full time working mom, alone. Alone to get both kids dressed. Both kids fed. School stuff and lunch to get organized. Both kids have to get in the car for school drop off. I need to work all day (with the little one home) until I have to take the little for school pickup. Get both of them home and fed a snack. Both of them have to got to all of Lyla's activities... gymnastics 2x a week, piano. Both have to get fed dinner. Both have to be bathed. The little one to bed before Jared even comes home from work.

No one to help me.

Over the weekend, Jared did a big grocery shop. He even got a crockpot full up and ready for me. My one job was to bring it out of the fridge, pop it in, turn it on, and let it cook for or dinner. Easy. He said, start it at 2. He even made me practice turning on the crockpot and getting it set. He doesn't trust me, can you tell? I don't blame him...

I opened up my work calendar and set up a reminder so I wouldn't forget my one job. My 1pm meeting ran late. At 2pm, I was still on it. My calendar pinged to start the crockpot but alas I couldn't get up. Then the baby started crying as he had pooped. As soon as my call was done, I ran up to get him and change him.

I brought him downstairs and gave him a snack. Then I sat at the counter and started working again. At least 20 minutes went by and my head popped up. OMG! The crockpot! It was 2:30, no big deal, I thought. I ran downstairs to the basement to grab it out of the fridge. The thing was heavy. I made it to the top step and then stopped to turn off the light. That is when my life flashed before my eyes as my foot slipped.

Being an unfinished basement, there is no back to our stairs. My foot slipped into the opening and I thought I broke my ankle. The crock pot firm in my hands didn't even wobble. I figured if I go down, the crockpot and dinner will survive. I was able to catch myself, somehow. I'm still not sure because there is no way I didn't fall all the way down the stairs with raw chicken and tomatoes falling all over me and everything in its wake. I stood still for a minute on that stair and pulled my foot back. I think I even peed a little.

A huge wave of relief flooded through my body and I marched on to set up the crockpot to cook. I had almost failed my one job. But I prevailed. I managed to get dinner down without killing myself and almost on time.

Day one without my work from home husband, survived, but barely...

Some Please Hire My Husband...Before I Kill Him

[Disclaimer: I would never kill my husband; it’s just a saying!]

Someone. Anyone. Please. Hire my husband. He needs a job. His “life” depends on it. Seriously. I’m ready to kill him!

Why? Because while I’m busy being a working mom of 2 and he’s a freelancer and part time business owner looking for full time work, our lives are all messed up! But most importantly, he’s driving me crazy!

1. He’s doing all the laundry. I usually do the laundry in the house. Now he’s home and doing it all. It’s great and all but it’s really obnoxious. There are never dirty clothes, ever! Just piles and piles of clean clothes all over the place for me to put away. Make it stop! Oh and it will. Once he gets a job and I can get back to the subpar ways of doing laundry myself.
2. I’m used to working from home by myself. Now I have him home every day! I love him and all but for the love of all things holy, I’d like to have some time by myself! I don’t have an office I can go to so I’m stuck at home. Every day. With him. All day. Oh and our son is one and because things are tight money-wise, there is no day care involved. Just me, the hubs, and a toddler (who only wants me) all day, every day. While I work. FUN!
3. He cleans the house. All. The. Time. Our vacuum is ready to explode from frequent use. Come try to find dust in my house or a stray hair. I dare you. Every day he threatens to clean my desk because he can’t stand my organized clutter. I usually clean the whole house every Friday. Now it’s sparkling every day. Man, our house is going to be filthy when he’s employed - bring it on!
4. Luckily for me, my husband has always been the cook in the house which means he does the grocery shopping too. Since he’s been home, he’s making lunch and dinner. I feel like I’m at a five star restaurant, every day. He is an amazing chef making incredible meals but sometimes I just want a PB&J sandwich with a side of goldfish without an eyeroll. Okay?
5. I’m sick of breaking things. My husband always needs something to do or fix. So when he’s bored or has some free time, he goes nuts. I’ve been “accidentally” breaking things all over the house to give him a project. He spent a whole 2 days fixing a kitchen cabinet door! Score! I’d much rather prefer he’s doing something more valuable with his time than fixing my klutziness ways.

My husband is truly a gem - he takes care of so many things that most men don’t. I am so lucky and I count my blessings every day. But… our lives would be much happier and more full if he was putting all his talents to better use. At an office. Daily. With a 20-30 minute commute. And a steady paycheck to boot! Anyone in need a of digital media, marketing, video production rockstar - holla!

Airport Musings

Traveling for work and observing... Man I LOVE people watching; especially at the airport.

Some musings:

Tall people have really big hands. REALLY big hands. This chick's hands covered her whole laptop. I have munchkin hands. Makes me want a big lollipop from munchkin land over by Oz. I'd say hi to Glenda the Good witch for you.

Everyone at the airport looks like someone I know for some reason. Seriously.

I just saw my reflection in the mirror and realized I looked like a homeless person. I took a pic but can't share it. It's that bad. And I did shower this morning. I need a stylist or a style. Or I need time or a personal assistant. Or something...

They also have really long forearms. Tall people. You with me? I literally just shrunk the size of my screen so lady longlegs didn't see me talking about her. She's pretty. Pretty LONG. Haha, I'm so going to hell. No really, she is a very pretty girl. Just next to me she looks long. I bet if she stands up, she'll be 5'8 or something. Not even that tall. I'm just a shrimp, that is the real problem. She is probably looking at me thinking I resemble a meatball. Eh, whatever.

There is a woman over there with shiny black pants. REALLY shiny. And a very shiny floral tight top  that is VERY loud. Oh and she's got cheetah print flats on that are furry. But she smells good. Thank goodness for that. Wow is she a sight!

I just had to move seats. There was someone around me with lethal smelling burps. I kept gagging. It was THAT bad. I got up and sat somewhere else. I couldn't take it anymore. Goodness... STANK!

I swear, I went to high school with that guy. Nope, maybe not. OMG, that is my cousin's husband. Nope, he lives in Florida, can't be Tony.

Everyone is lining up to board the plane. We are ALL getting on the plane, relax people. You can't fit your enormous "carry on" overhead anyways. Take a chill pill and sit down. Stop waiting in line. There is no line. People are annoying.

Oh they are calling my flight. I should shut down now... Toodles!

Update: Omg I got a pic!! 

15 Reasons My Baby Won't Nap

As a full time working momma from home, I need naps. Not just for my own sanity but to ensure I can get some uninterrupted work done during the day. But my son, he’s got other plans.

Why is he not napping? I have some ideas...

1. He’s not napping and just screaming because he loves to scream and cry. He thinks his voice is comparable to Bono and has big plans for his future.
2. He lost the nap battle yesterday and is damned if he’ll lose again. He’s a winner in the true spirit of the word. He will not quit! He will win!
3. He knows I hate the crying. He knows deep down inside how much his crying gets to me. He absolutely feels that if he keeps crying uncontrollably, I will give in and pick him up because the crying breaks my heart.
4. He won’t nap because he’s just not tired. His yawning, crankiness, and tired eyes, which are the sure signs, are just a gig. He’s pretending he’s crying for his future acting career. If he can fool me, just think how amazing his Oscar acceptance speech will be some day. “I dedicate this to my mother who thought I was tired all those time but in truth I was acting from such an early age. Sorry mom, but look at me now!”
5. He’s not happy with the crib mattress. He is pretty sure he ordered the Tempurpedic but for some reason he got a Sealy. The coils on his back are just not as comfy as the foam could be. Until he gets them switched out, he will cry in protest.
6. He knows his big sister is not napping and nor does she have to. At the ripe old age of 9 months old, he understands that life is not fair but there should be some consistency between siblings when it comes to fairness.
7. The hand crocheted blanket you insist on putting on him made by his great grandmother, though sentimental, is not practical. He’s literally sweating his balls off! Crack a window, sure. Strip me his diaper, try it. But it doesn’t matter, get the damn blanket off of him or he’s going to just cry out “for the love of God stop covering me in 80 degree heat! And no it’s not comforting! Stop making me be like Linus from Peanuts. They all made fun of him with his blanket dependency. Just. Take. It. Off!”
8. He sees the bottle over there. He’s not hungry at all but he’s looking at it and smiling. So he suckers you into giving it to him. He’s laying in his crib drinking the bottle all by himself thinking he’s hot shit. He’s got you just where he wants you. He doesn’t even want to drink it but will play with it and your mind. If he keeps pretending to drink, he knows you think he’s hungry and he can successfully stall nap until the bottle is taken away once you realize his game. You take it and then he cries again so you give it back. And so this ridiculous charade continues until you give up and he wins.
9. He knows you’re downstairs eating ice cream. He’s sad about this for a number of reasons. A. You’re eating it without him. How very dare you! B. He’s seen you whine and complain about all that extra baby weight that he “supposedly” caused. So he’s unsure exactly why you’re making matters worse with the ice cream. Therefore he’s going to cry and cry for you. Cry because he’s sad you can’t control yourself and cry because he wanted that last scoop of mint chocolate chip.
10. He’s not going to nap because he can hear the TV. The color, the sound, the movement! Oh, it’s too much fun! He wants to see whatever is playing whether it’s Sons of Anarchy or Big Bird. TV is the coolest thing he’s ever encountered and there is no way in hell he’s going to sleep and miss a thing!
11. He knows undeniably that if he sweetly coos mamamamama, you’re going to melt. It’s a given. Why nap all by himself if he calls mamamama and you, being the sentinmental fool that you are, go running to listen and coo back at him. Most likely this will result in picking him up for some extra cuddles. Nap time is a wash because he clearly called out to you. Sucker.
12. No way he’s napping. He’s naked except for his diaper but he knows there is this thingy under that diaper. He can try with all his might to grab it from outside the diaper or he can struggle to reach inside to get it. Either way, that thing that peepee comes out of is way too cool to not touch right now. Nap? Negative…
13. Nap in his crib? Seriously? Why would he possibly nap in the crib by himself when yesterday daddy held him for two hours so comfortably in the chair to sleep. He had the exact neck support required as well as just the right level of warmth. The crib is so isolated. He says no thanks to that.
14. He knows at this exact moment you’re frazzled. There are a billion things you need to do right now but can’t until he goes to sleep. He’s going to use this opportunity to toy with you. He’ll laugh, smile, cry, and scream. Anything. He’ll do it all purposely not to sleep. It’s called momma training. He’s got to immerse you in worst case scenario type moments to get you ready for the real deal later on in life. If parenting was always easy, you’d have a real problem come the teen years. You’re going to thank him for this later. Promise.
15. He just misses you. He can’t sleep because your sweet smell is gone. Your beautiful long locks are not available for pulling. Your neck and cheeks aren’t close by for pinching. Your crazy old man voice that he thinks is hysterical is quiet. Until you stay by his side, rubbing his back, and gently shushing him, he’s not going to sleep. And even then, he's’ going to pull a #8 and then a #11. At this rate, don’t bother. He wins.

Shit I'm Not Doing on Weekends

As a working mom, weekends are sacred to me. And thanks to this guy, we know we only have 940 Saturdays with our kids until they turn 18. 260 of those are gone by their fifth birthday. Great! Thanks for that…! Now every Saturday morning, I’ll wake up and think, 689 left! 688 to go…

Time flies. Life goes fast. Kids grow up. 940 Saturdays will be just a faint memory before you know it.

With that in mind, not to even mention I don’t have to work, you can guarantee there will be crap I’m NOT doing when the weekends hit. Especially on Saturdays!

1. I’m not making my bed! I don’t care. Unless I have company coming over, I’m just throwing the duvet up and taking a break. In the back of my mind I really do it in the .003% chance I can crawl back into my bed with an afternoon nap. Not that that ever happens but one could hope and wish!
2. I’m not cleaning my house! I will stay up all hours of the night on Friday if I have to so come Saturday my house is clean and I don’t have to lift a finger. You can all go on and on about how you don’t care what your house looks like and how you’ve got kids, etc. But my house will be clean, sanitized, and not cluttered. And I won’t be doing any of that on my weekends. You can sometimes find my mopping my kitchen floor or vacuuming at 11pm on weeknights. I will do what it takes!
3. I’m not running errands! There is nothing worse than going to Target, the grocery store, or wherever with five million other people on the weekends. I will try my best to not have to do any of this on the weekends. And if I have to, it will be at 8am or 7pm.
4. I am not having a jam packed schedule! If I want to putz around for an hour doing absolutely nothing, I will. Maybe I don’t want to play with my kids all hours of the day, organize something, or do anything. Maybe I want to just sit here and do nothing. I will do that!
5. I am not talking about work! You want to know how things are going? Talk to me on Monday. I may have to check in on email all weekend which I’m used to, but I’m not discussing it with the husband, the parents, or some guy at a kids birthday party. I need to destress on weekends, not worry about being over budget until Monday comes back around!
6. I’m not eating healthy! During the week I’ll eat beautiful, colorful food full of vitamins and minerals. I’ll pull a Pinkalicious and burp up brussel sprouts, gag on grapes, and choke on artichokes.

Weekends are something we all cherish. Kids aren’t in school, your day isn’t jam packed with conference calls, and you can stay in your jammies as long as you want. Just don’t expect my weekends to be bogged down with crap I’m just not doing!

What NOT To Do when Your Spouse is Away

Everyone once and a while, we all need to hit the reset button. That was true for my husband. After being laid off and doing some contract work, he needed a break to think about what to do for the rest of his career. Being a supportive, loving wife, I told him to book a trip to England to visit his parents and some friends. I told him to think about what he wanted to do and to come back motivated to make it happen.

At first, he thought I was crazy. He didn’t want to leave his full-time work at home and stay at home wife with two children - yup, you guessed it, me. Yet crazy me insisted. I’ll be fine, I told him. You need a break. Go.

He left and those 2 weeks didn’t go by fast enough! I don’t know how all the single working moms do it. In fact, I don’t know how I did it! Working from home full time with my 8 month old son and 5 year old daughter with me at the same time.

Here is what NOT to do when you’re home working and watching your kids full time at the same time when your spouse is away:

1. Don’t get sick. Easier said than done, right? One night I was nauseated and developed a migraine. At bed time. Then I was up all night with my son at the same time. The sickness stayed a few days but the job and the kids remained. Seriously, do whatever it takes to not get sick.
2. Don’t sign up your child for an everyday activity. My daughter had 4 weeks of swimming lessons, 4 days a week for 30 minutes a day. Carting both children and their gear every day plus checking work during said lesson is not easy at all. I’m still trying to decipher what I was smoking when I thought that was going to be a good idea!
3. Don’t bother cleaning. By the time I finished my work hours and the kids were asleep, I was so exhausted that I couldn’t imagine cleaning my house. Therefore those two weeks, we got by without visitors because I didn’t have the energy.
4. Don’t drink. I was eyeing that bottle of wine in the fridge. I wanted to chug it. Usually that desire hit me at 10am. But the one time you pour the glass, your son’s teething gets out of control and you need to hit up the local pharmacy for infant motrin. Put the glass down. Inevitably you’ll regret it.
5. Don’t do things half fast. Feed the cats? No biggie. (3 days later) Oops, forgot to cover up the bin of cat food. Regardless of what you do, there is no other adult present so double and triple check stuff. I forgot to cover up the cat food, botched the home alarm system, and accidentally left a candle burning while we were outside playing all day. I know, I’m such a klutz.
6. Don’t buy candy. Regardless of your lack of time, Dove chocolate covered cranberries are not healthy, nor are they a substitute for a good lunch. Neither are Raisinets or ice cream. Plus it will only worsen symptoms of #1.
7. Don’t make promises. Oh, you want to have a play date? Dinner at mine? NO. Don’t make any plans or promises. Two sets of plans made, were canceled in the matter of five days. Shit happens and it’s easier to just not leave the house!

Those things you don’t want to do. But what should you do?

Plan a day off when your spouse is back. Check.

Make sure your mother or a family member/friend is available to help. Check.

Borrow your neighbor’s husband for odds and ends. Check.

Praise every full time single mother you know. And often!

Hubby Lullabyes

Having a Rough Day? Well I'm having a pretty shitty one. That's for sure.

I had a call with my boss but it got cancelled last minute. Meanwhile my husband was upstairs putting the baby down for a nap. I heard some noise and realized the monitor was next to me. I turned it up and there is my husband singing Christmas carols (in July) and other kids songs he's butchering the hell out of to our son.

All my stress has just melted away just for a minute. The sound of him being a sweet dad has mellowed me out. I feel peaceful now and my day is not so bad.

Thank you Jared for being a good dad right now. It's just what I and the kids needed.

I am a Train Wreck

Ugh today was a day.

I was home alone with both children while I was working all day. I barely slept the night before because little man learned how to roll over and now every hour I need to flip him back to his back during the night because little man doesn't like to sleep on his belly. But he keeps flipping over. I don't get it...

Anywho...!

Today was a day.

I didn't get a shower. I figured by the time I got out of bed at 8am due to pure exhaustion and both kids still sleeping, why bother! I can just coast all day in my sweats and greasy hair. No one will see me or care. But then I had to go to the store...

I ate cookie dough for breakfast. And then felt bad about it after. So not healthy, I know.

Lyla was actually occupied most of the day and was super helpful with Brighton - the only upside of my day.

Of course I ran out of formula and the one day I'm home alone with the kids and trying to work I had to go to BJs to get more with both of them all greasy and in sweats.

Decided to go to BJs at lunch and grab something at the cafe. I gave my 5 year old a giant hotdog full of ketchup and sprite for lunch while I ate a slice of pizza and a pretzel. Lyla essentially ate a shit ton of ketchup and sugar while I went a bit too heavy on the carbs.  Mother of the year, right here!

I tried my best to work all day. The morning was better than the afternoon. This afternoon, Bman didn't want to cooperate and it was hard to get work done.

Meanwhile I looked on with disgust at the overflowing laundry baskets, the messy kids rooms, the sink full of bottles to clean, and all the shit I have to put away. Why can I have more fucking time!

Then to end it all...

Got ROYALLY FUCKED at work today. A deal I'd been working on for oh about 3 weeks just went belly up. Totally screwed me over. Bad. Fun times.

I sat on the couch as Jared walked in the door from work and started to cry. For no reason.

It's 9:30 and I'm still working... oh and Jared is just serving us our dinner.

Happy Wednesday.

Let it be.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Bring on the wine and my bed. No, just my bed. Don't need the wine.

Avoiding the Inevitable, Sleep...

I don't want to sleep. But I'm very tired.

The past few nights I've tried to stay up as late as possible.

"Oh I have to work..."

"I want to watch just one more show..."

"I'm not really (YAWN) tired yet..."

Excuses. All of them.

I don't want to sleep because I don't want the next day to be here already. Another day come and gone. My life is moving too fast. My little girl is growing up too fast.

Or I could really tell the truth...

I'm leaving on a five day work/anniversary trip with my husband. We are heading to San Francisco on an all-expenses paid trip (from work thank you) for 2 days of business and 3 days of pleasure. When I booked this trip, I knew we needed a getaway. Jared even said, bring Lyla with us but that was impractical due to work and cost. So I said I could handle it. I said, we can do this.

I don't think I can. I don't think I can leave my baby for FIVE days without dying. I'm not talking about driving to Cape Cod four hours away for the weekend. We are talking about an across the country flight without her. For five days.

I keep thinking that if I don't go to sleep it won't get here but I can't delay the inevitable. It's here. We leave in less than 12 hours. She's already at my sister and mom's for the long weekend. I've already said farewell for five days. I've already cried the entire way home from the drop off. I've already packed my bags. I've already tried to go to sleep. But I just can't. I don't know if I can get on that plane tomorrow.

So instead, I'll just avoid sleep. I'll hold off until my eyes can no longer keep open. And the inevitable happens.

Sure, tell me I'm so lucky. Tell me you wish you had a job like mine sending you to cool places. Tell me you're jealous that I can work from home. That I make good money. I'm not lucky. I don't want it. I'm done. I just want to stay home with my child. I just want a simpler, less crazy life.

Maybe some day. For now, I will have to eventually go to sleep.

Inadequate?

Do you ever feel inadequate? I've been looking at numbers on a spreadsheet all day and I do feel so inadequate. I suck a math, numbers, budgets, etc. Really. I suck at it. I know my strengths and weaknesses. That is one of them! I do feel incredibly inadequate when I'm doing this part of my job.

Now I don't talk about work much on here because I try to keep this personal. But I do have an important job at a now large company. In fact, I'm the only person in the entire world that does exactly what I do. Cool, eh? No seriously. My company is the only one who does events that we do and I organize them and many other things. Therefore it's true, no one else in the world does what I do. I take pride in that but it also freaks me out. I have to be good at what I do and I do enjoy it. Except the numbers part.

I actually have 339 people following me on Twitter - which blows my mind. That is not a LOT of people but more than 1 I consider a lot! But again, whenever I open up the spreadsheet and look at the numbers I feel so inadequate. It doesn't matter that I know I'm good at my job. It doesn't matter that my skills get me by with my budgets. I'm not that stupid but I do wish I had a bit more skill and know how when it came to numbers. And go figure, I work with some of the best mathematical minds in the world! I should totally crowdsource my budgets!

In event, this is how I'm feeling today. Now I should get back to my spreadsheets. They are beckoning me. Fun times!

I. Am. Alive.

These past few months have been a whirlwind.

I can't even comment without crying about how hard they have been.

Work issues.
Home issues.
Personal issues.

Life goes on though...

I was telling Lyla tonight to stop wasting water. I told here there are children in the world who don't have clean water. Some of them don't even have a potty in their house. I told her we need to be grateful for our water and our potty. We are very lucky.

Again it's perspective. Just thinking about having clean water and a potty (excuse the momism) makes you think about things.

So in that case, it's time for me to move on from my hardships. Accept them. Be done being sad and move on.

I'm not dying, I'm not ill. I'm not poor and I'm not jobless. I have it much better than many people. Sometimes things change and I have to just get over it.

So with that I'm going to pick this blog back up and be grateful each week. I'm going to tell you stories about my life and family. And I'm going to get back to the things that make me happy. Writing being one of them.

Thanks for your patience!

A Few of my Current Favorites

I've been slacking on this blog, sorry! Work is just, well, hectic!!!

In any event for those of you who don't know this summer is an exciting experiment. Currently going on at my house:

1. My husband and I are both working from home almost every day for the same company.
2. My daughter is not in school or daycare all summer. Yes, one big happy family. Every. Day.
3. My daughter is in a six week swimming boot camp to learn how to swim, at 11:30. Every. Day. Fun times!

So as you can imagine it's been interesting. So far it's been going well and we're not at each other's throats. And Lyla has been SO good for the most part.

But a few things have been keeping me going so I wanted to give them a shout out:

1. Paint dots. Life saver! Lyla loves to paint but it can be time consuming and messy. On days when I have a lot of work to do (well most days), if she wants to paint, I just give her these bad boys and she goes to town! No mess, no fuss, and at least 30 minutes of heads down working and paint dotting!
2. The library! We love our library and go every week. Luckily for me, my child loves books and loves to read them. Every Monday after our library trip, she spends all day flipping through the books doing her version of reading. Thank you library!
3. Card games! My mom bought Lyla a bunch of card packs - Slapjack, Go Fish, Matching, etc. We love them! Lyla is only 3 but she can get Go Fish and Slapjack and we have so much fun playing. 

Hope your summer has been a happy one!

Why life has changed for the better and other random items

I'm alive!  Really, I am.

In case any of you are worried about me. You know, all three of you reading my blog lol!

I vaguely hinted here about changes soon to come.  And they have come. Yay!

My dear husband has finally been able to quit his horrible, life sucking, miserable, unappreciated job and has taken a position at my company. That is right. We are now working for the same company - and working from home together. AHH! Just kidding! Jared actually just started on Monday so he's going to stay in the office for a while and he'll probably only stay home a few days a week as he likes to go into the office. But he finally got out of his hell hole and into a nice work environment.

I promised him I would not taint his former work place as Jared has been the picture of a good employee and ever so gracious and polite; which is a good thing. So I'll just say this and be done with it. The place he worked (which I will not name) didn't appreciate his talents, didn't treat him with respect, and they walked all over him. Not only that but they stole his morale and changed him into a sad person - for 7 years. When he got the job offer, he was stunned as if to say, it's really over? It was a wonderful thing.

So needless to say it's been HECTIC! It was the worse timing too. I took 3 trips in the last 3 weeks, Jared got the job offer, gave notice at his job, Jared did a guest chef appearance for a local cafe here in our town (which made him out most nights), he had good bye lunches and dinners, and I had trips to plan for. Honesty, it has been ridiculous. I have barely talked to Jared or sat down and just thought this all through for five minutes!

And even thought I just arrived back home from 5 days in Houston, I didn't have quiet time with Jared last night, won't tonight or most of the weekend!  UGH!  But in any event we will have time to just talk and figure out what is next. We need to set ground rules, I told him. We can't talk work every second of our lives and we need to even move Lyla from her school, eventually - which I'm dreading by the way!  I hate to take her from her friends and teachers but she's 20 minutes away in the other direction. So big changes are coming our way still.

I've been a little lackadaisical on this blog as I sort out my travels and our new schedule/routine but I'm finally back.

PS Houston was cool! I'll write more about that soon.