Mom Jeans and All that Jazz

So I went to American Eagle to buy jeans today.

Cause Gandhi from the Elvis Duran and the morning show told me about these new curvey jeans from American Eagle that fits every body. And because I listen to this radio show while running, I’ve heard it about a hundred times. I felt it would be rude and indecent of me to not listen to the commercial and buy a pair already.

I walked into the store with my four year old son in tow for the only free 20 minutes I had for my week before a big work trip. I wandered around reading every jeans table sign looking for “curvey”. Nada.

Finally a sales woman came over and asked if I needed help (thank the lord). My response: I’m looking for short, fat girl jeans. I hear you have some of those?

Instant awkwardness. From me. My bad.

She showed me the curvey selection they have available and I instantly regretted my choice of stores. Every single pair, holes down the front. Classy, people, real classy. If I wanted holey jeans, I’d just continue wearing my Wal-Mart jeans with the all-naturale holes.

She offered up a size that may fit me (un-holey, yay!) and I literally had no idea what size I’d be at their store. So I grab 3 pairs of humongous sizes just to be safe. She piled me up with about 9 pairs and I asked her if the sizing there typically ran big or small. She said small. I instantly wished I’d just kept with my Wal-Mart crap.

My son and I went into the changing room where he started belting out Taylor Swift. I put on the first pair and felt they could go all the way up to my chin and back. The next pair was a bit snug which my son decided to tell me I was too fat for. Thanks buddy. How about I was thinner until I had you, child, and you made me eat carbs EVERY day and though you’re four years old and I’ve been running and eating healthy for over a year, my 5 month pregnant looking belly may never go away and it’s all your fault and good thing you’re cute.

I got bored after trying on three pairs and figured I’d just get the ones I can pull all the way up to my chin and hope for the best.

I went back up to the counter and pretty much embarrassed myself to no end with old lady questions. Can you find me the exact same pair in black? This style, size etc (pointing to the tag as if she is blind)? Were these supposed to go all the way up to my chin? Are these on sale by chance? Can you order them online? Too bad you don’t have extra short, right!? Can I get them in two days? Can you tell I rarely buy jeans?

About an hour later (okay, maybe five minutes but it felt like an hour), I paid for my new jeans and awkwardly fast mom walked out of the store.

I learned a lot on this outing to buy myself jeans:

1. I should probably buy myself better quality stuff all the time and not just my kids…
2. American Eagle is totally a young people’s store and I faked it but didn’t make it…
3. Don’t premise a conversation with “I’m looking for short, fat girl…” anything.
4. Leave the toddler at home next time you’re in a dressing room...