Friday, April 23, 2010

Snore and Fidget

I was looking through some old short stories of mine.  I wrote this a few years ago when Jared and I were down right battling in bed.  I find it humorous because this week has been one of those snore/fidget battles we're all too familiar with.  


“No snoring tonight, please.”

“Stop fidgeting.”

“I won’t fidget if you don’t snore.”

“Fine.  But I don’t snore anyway.”

Two minutes later he is already snoring.  I lovingly whack him and the snore immediately quiets down.  I turn over trying to fall asleep again.  Another minute goes by and the breathing gets louder, and then louder.  I am counting the rhythmic breathing going on next to me.  Two more tries he gets, otherwise he gets another smack.  One.  Two.  I am forced to gently shove him again and all is quiet.  I turn over.  

I am desperately trying to not focus on the breathing next to me.  It is right there though and impossible to ignore.  In and out.  Slow and deep.  One eye cocks open where I inevitably see his mouth wide open.  So romantic!  One more breath, it is getting louder.  Then another, he’s putting more effort into it.  A third and his nose is getting into it.  On the fourth his breath catches because the snore has caught him so badly.  I tell myself he may stop after this one.  The fifth one and his whole body shakes.  And it starts over small again.  One by one he eventually gets to the fifth snore and halfway into it I yell, “Stop snoring!”  I can’t take it anymore.

“I’m not snoring!”

I turn over again.  My arms go under the pillow and I readjust them for a few minutes until they are comfortable.  Then I reach down and need to pull down the pant leg of my pajamas that have ridden up my leg upon turning over.  Once they are set, I move my legs again to get them comfortable which then requires the redoing of my pant legs.  Finally I put my arms back up and need to readjust again to get comfortable.  I then realize I have an itch. I scratch the itch and work on my arms again.  My hair is not in the right place so I fix it and move my arms back again.

“Stop fidgeting!”

“I’m trying to get comfortable!” I defend.

I immediately stop moving completely aware of every single muscle and bone in my body.  Every nerve and sense is more alert than ever making me incredibly itchy and achy.  I am desperately trying not to move but I can not help myself.  In slow motion I start moving my arm from under the pillow and up to my nose to quench my hunger for a scratch as I start to hear the snores bellow up from the other side of the bed again.  I start my counting.  One.  Two.  Three. Four.  Five and he can’t breathe, nudge.  One.  Two. Three. Four. Five and he can’t breathe so I give him another nudge.  

I remember coming up to bed so completely exhausted I could barely hold my toothbrush up.  The thought of pulling down the covers and getting into bed seemed too tiring for me; however here I was wide awake, again.  I roll over onto my back and let out a deep sigh.  We get into a nice rhythm.  The one snore, up to five snore and a nudge from me.  Each nudge getting harder and more fierce with exasperation.  It takes about five or six sets for another confrontation.

“Stop hitting me!”

“Stop snoring!  I’m so tired but I am wide awake, again thanks to you!”

“Well if you stopped fidgeting every second I would be sleeping.”

“Well if you stopped snoring non stop I would not be fidgeting.”

“Go sleep in the spare room if you can’t sleep then.”


We both roll over again however despite the fact that we have a queen bed, that does not mean we are on complete opposite ends of the bed.  No matter how agitated we make each other with snoring and fidgeting we are still sleeping on top of one another.  The concept of space in bed does not apply to us.  In fact, if I find in the middle of the night he is too far away from me, I huddle closer to him.  

Two minutes later, my husband’s arm drapes over my waist, my butt digs into his belly in our most favorite spooning position.  The snoring stops for now and I don’t move feeling more safe and loved than ever.

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