Today is the last day our family is a family of three. I know this for certain because the baby boy received his eviction notice and tomorrow he is being forcibly removed from my belly. They say he is 95th percentile and approximately 7 lbs 3 weeks ago. Lord help me if he's gained a few more pounds over the last few weeks. We may have behemoth baby. Large boy. Chubby chunker. After Lyla was only 6 lbs, and I couldn't deliver her, they decided I probably was in no way able to deliver anything bigger so a Cesarean is what will happen - against my desires but what can I do. I have to suck it up and do what's best for the baby.
That said he comes out tomorrow and I'm not ready. I've had, oh, about 40 weeks to prepare. And yes I have clothes, diapers, part of a room for him and whatnot. But mentally, I'm not ready. In fact, it has yet to hit me I will be home next week with an infant depending on me for the rest of his lifetime to take care of him, love him, and keep him safe. My daughter is 4 - she is independent and smart. I can rely on her to be helpful and trust her to do things for me. I'm not ready to going back to a baby who has no ability to do anything on his own. Honestly, I can't even remember what it was like with my daughter; changing diapers, feeding her, not sleeping etc. It was only 4 years ago but my brain is mush. I found myself thinking, when do I feed a baby? How often? How much? What size diapers does he need? What goes in my diaper bag? Boy, have I lost touch!
I woke up this morning and sat on the edge of the bed. I admitted to Jared I was so not ready. I'm sure that once he is born, I'll kick into gear. I'm sure that when I come home with him, I'll be the paranoid over the top mom I was with Lyla. I'm sure it will all be fine. In fact, I've been telling people it's going to be a breeze! Let's hope so...!
Okay, as an aside, and TMI as well, just writing this and admitting it just made me sick to my stomach. I'm so not ready! lol
Yesterday at my routine Non Stress Test or NST, they checked my fluid as per usual. This is a simple sonogram where the do some measurements but lucky for me, I get to see the little baby wandering around in my belly while they do so.
It never gets old watching a baby inside of you during an ultrasound. First of all, the sheer technology that lets you see inside is amazing. And then there is the miracle that is life happening literally right in front of your eyes. To see a little baby that you and your loved one created, floating inside of your belly, alive, is just incredible. Words cannot describe it.
So yesterday, I was doing my usual fluid check and there was the boy. The nurse stopped over his face and he froze. He stopped moving and stared up at us. It was about 15 seconds of him just stopping all movement and looking directly at me on the monitor. 15 seconds of him gazing into my eyes and me into his. The nurse was mesmerized. She had never seen anything like it. Time stood still as me and this little boy were in an indirect eye lock through a monitor. I clearly saw his face, the shape of it, the eyes, and his little mouth moving as if to say "hi!". By far one of the coolest things I've ever seen. My first thought was his facial shape is similar to Lyla and his eyes are so bright.
I am so grateful I got to "meet" my son yesterday. It was one of the coolest things besides actually meeting him in person.