Friday, August 01, 2014

An Honest Admission from a Second Time Mom

I didn't want to call it because I was scared to be wrong. Every mother wants to have the feeling, that inclination, that knowing deep down inside. With Lyla, I knew from the beginning but what I didn't know, was if it was just pure desire giving me the intuition or if it was in fact that motherly knowing feeling. When the sonographer told me it was a girl all those years ago, so many flooding emotions overcame me. I had wanted a little girl more than anything in the world. I had felt it, I had desired it, and I had bonded with the idea of it before I even met her.

When I found out I was expecting number two, well let's be honest, I knew I was expecting or could be expecting because after many, many months of trying to conceive it's there or not. Plus there are no "accidents" when I'm on the medication I'm on. So it wasn't a shocker. But I immediately desired a little girl again. One of the biggest reasons I wanted another child was to give Lyla a sister. I have a sister and love the bond that it includes. I wanted that for her more than anything. I imagined how they would look wearing matching dresses. I dreamed how they would look out for one another, gossip together, and argue about fashion. I smiled at their potential bond for life.

At my ultrasound a few weeks back, it was too soon to determine the sex of the baby and afterwards, I even admitted to myself that I was feeling a boy. It scared me and I didn't want to say it out loud. My entire pregnancy up to this point has been exactly the same as with Lyla. Jared pretty much assumed he was not getting the boy he really wanted. It just had to be a girl - but a healthy baby was more important of course.

A few days ago, we had our 20 week ultrasound. At first I didn't even want to know the sex of the baby until he/she came. But as the weeks went by and I started getting into my planner mode (well I'm always in my planner mode as a planner by career), I just had to know. We got in the room with the same sonographer we'd had already 3 times for my ultrasound and she knew us well. Lyla was excited to see her "baby girl" and Jared had a look of disappointment on his face thinking he knew full well he was not getting his boy. So imagine our surprise when she looked over at us and said, It's a boy! And very obviously a boy!

Jared says, are you serious!

I say, are you sure?

Lyla says, is that my baby girl?

Immediately I was sad. And then even more sad as I thought about how sad I was about it. Then I got angry for being sad about being sad. I looked over at Jared who was grinning ear to ear. I'm surprised he didn't pee his pants with excitement. The rest of the scan went well and the baby is looking perfectly healthy and that should be all that matters and quite honestly it is all that matters. But just for good measure, I asked her to look in between the legs one more time before we were done. I wanted to see it one more time for myself and she laughed accusing me of not believing her. And there clear as day was a baby penis. Of course my first thought was, wow, I have a penis in my belly for 9 months...

Lyla wasn't too sure what was going on when she walked in to my parents house and yelled "tenis" for everyone to know it was a boy. Luckily my sister was able to translate to "penis" for the rest of the group. And so began a night of celebrating. Jared had one too many drinks toasting his soon to be born son while my dad went through the list of baby boy names thinking he had a say in what was decided.

Of course the news was leaked to social media and a slew of congratulations came our way. You see, Jared is an only child and his parents are only children so he was worried about his lineage - I'm not even joking. He posted the following on Facebook (and this was his 3rd post for the record due to his excitement):

"Just when you thought the Ford lineage ended with me we now are blessed with an heir to the throne. So now we have a princess and we will soon have a prince. All they need is a castle. Lol. But seriously, I'm an only child with parents that are only children so I can rest knowing a new generation of Ford's will live on. They will learn to love football, not soccer, eat beans on toast and put the 'U's back in every word the Americans took out."

For the past couple days, I've been thinking about this little man inside my belly. I guess my intuition was right on this time despite my desire for another girl. But in all honesty, I still have not been excited but more sad. I finally admitted to Jared yesterday that I'm not super happy about having a boy and the fact that I feel that way is making me feel so guilty and sad. What kind of mother isn't excited about their baby regardless of the sex? What kind of mother begrudgingly tells people, yeah it's a boy...

After months, even years of trying to conceive and I'm finally blessed with a healthy baby! What the fuck is wrong with me. I never in a million years thought I'd be that woman who was upset about the baby's sex. It's a 50/50 shot. You don't get to choose. I told myself, like I tell Lyla daily, you get what you get, and you don't get upset. I hate this person I've been the last few days being sad because I failed to give Lyla a sister. Even though she woke up the day after the ultrasound and asked if it was a girl baby now. That was super cute.

Last night I had a dream. The baby was poking his hand out of my stomach and you could see it clear as day. I put my hand on his hand and I cried. Granted it felt like a huge hand, but it was a boy hand, my boy's hand. We had a moment in my dream and I woke up remembering it as if it had actually happened during the night. Maybe it did. But more importantly, I woke up and I felt at peace. I envisioned this little guy following his big sister around. I've see them playing together, fighting together, and looking out for each other. I'm okay with having this little boy, in fact, I feel excited now. Maybe it just took a few days to get used to it. Maybe he felt what I was feeling inside and decided to show me how sweet he already is. Whatever it was, I'm sorry that I was ever sad he wasn't a girl. 

I still can't believe I felt the way I did. But I have to forgive myself and move on. None of us are perfect and we feel what we feel; you can't change that. This little boy inside of my belly is our little miracle of life. He will proudly carry on our name and we will be proud of him no matter what he becomes. I know his sister will adore him and they will have an amazing bond. I can finally say it with pride, I'm having a boy!


Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Sorry

Hey Readers (if there are any of you left),

My apologies for being non existent on this blog.

I've been busy having heart burn, nausea, and eating of course.

Pregnancy #2 has not been too bad but it's still pregnancy!

I don't have any exciting things to write about really. But I promise not to completely stop blogging. I'm sure something crazy will happen in my life soon. You know, like having 2 children. Trying to fly to my huge work event 8 months preggo. Being the only preggo in my sister's wedding. You know, fun stuff.

Thanks!

Monday, June 09, 2014

When Judgement Crosses the Line

I am rarely shocked these days when it comes to human decency. People suck. Simple as that. But sometimes something happens and I just can't imagine that a person could do or say something so asinine. Sometimes people just cross the line and leave me speechless. Last week I had such a moment.

Jared does side work often for folks in the area. Video editing, photography, DVD copies, etc. It's actually picked up quite a bit and he does this all from home.

In another life, Jared and I lived in a snobby little town and were slaves to the rich. Literally. Need a bartender? Call Jessie and Jared. Need your house cleaned? Call Jared. Need a babysitter? Call Jessie. Need you car detailed? Call Jared. You name it, we did it for money. We had to get by and all those side jobs helped us. On top of our full time jobs, we did side work all the time. We paid off debt and we saved up to buy a house. We've worked hard to get where we are today and that's for sure.

Since we've moved from said snobby town and into a more family friendly town close by. But regardless of how much time has passed and how we don't do the slavery anymore for those well to do folks, they still see us as beneath them, secondary citizens. I see it time after time as we are looked down upon. So what we used to bartend at your social gatherings! We are still people and we deserve to be treated with decency.

In any event, one of these folks from our old life contacted Jared to do some video editing. We probably haven't talked to him in ages nor does he really know what became of us. Last time we lived in town near him, we rented a small cottage behind a big house. It was a shack but I liked to think of it as a cute cottage!

Jared gave him our address and the date was set. The same day/time he was to arrive, we had the lawn care guy here helping Jared fertilize. So the guy arrives drives up our driveway. Jared patiently waited for him to come to the door but he didn't. What happened next, I could not make up if I tried.

Jared's cell phone rang. It was the guy, in our driveway. He goes, do I have the right place? Jared says yes I see you, come on in.

He walks in the door and this was the exchange:

Guy: Wow, nice place you got here!

Jared: Thanks! We love it.

Guy: Definitely wasn't expecting you to live here. Thought you were going to be the guy from the landscaping truck out there mowing the lawn of this nice place.

Jared: (awkward laugh)

Guy: Didn't think you'd live in a place like this!

Jared: Ha! What did you expect? A shack?!

Guy: Yeah, or maybe a tent. Definitely not this!

Jared: (more awkward laughing)

Seriously dude! Really?! Thought we weren't good enough for a house, only a shack or a tent! Or should only be the ones working on a house like this?

I was beyond floored listening to this conversation. I was sitting there holding my tongue, trying hard not to say something rude back. Of course after he left, I let my anger take over me and reeled at Jared. How dare he come into our home and offend us like that!

Even if he was half joking, it was not funny. I'm so sick of people judging us. You're too poor to do that or you have so much money if you have that. Really, people get a life.



Tuesday, May 20, 2014

My Mind Was Blown This Morning

I was listening to Elvis Duran and the Morning Show this morning as everyone should be every morning because they are awesome. And if you don't listen to them, you're totally missing out and need to get on that asap.

In any event, on the show this morning was Matthew Hussey, an adorable Brit with relationship and people advice. He said something that totally blew my mind. He was so raw and honest about something I can totally relate to that I almost drove off the road.

He said nice people finish last. Nice people are the most dishonest people. They are people pleasers too afraid of being honest and they try hard to avoid confrontation. So if you're nice, you're not kind. There is a big difference. You are being nice for selfish reasons when in fact you're not doing anyone any favors by being dishonest.

Mind blown.

I never thought of myself as nice - I'm too humble for that. But I know I'm a people pleaser. And I know I don't speak the truth if it will hurt someone. I know I hate confrontation. Now I know I'm really a dishonest person.

Dishonest = nice. It's a pretty simple concept yet one I never imagined before. Now I feel awful. Really. I feel awful. I'm not only hurting myself by being a people pleaser but hurting others too. But how can you overcome a characteristic you've been for 33 years? I don't know but I will try.

Anyway, as I said, my mind was blown today. Will try harder to hurt people lol!


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