Thursday, July 21, 2016

I Lost a Baby

Ten years ago, I lost a baby.

Jared and I got married and had wanted to wait a few years before starting a family. We wanted to enjoy our time together and build a life before we welcomed children. We went to Hawaii on an incredible honeymoon and I came home pregnant. Whoops!

Having always wanted to be a mom, I was over the moon excited. It wasn’t what we had wanted but it happened and we couldn’t have been happier. Being young and naive, we told everyone, right away. Telling my family I was pregnant was probably the best feeling in the world. Jared and I couldn’t have been more proud and anxious to have that baby in our arms.

Eight weeks pregnant, the cramps and bleeding started and just like that, a life was gone. My world was shattered. I spent the entire summer mourning the loss of the baby and the loss of being a mom. I was a recluse. Miserable. I didn’t know how to continue on with life.

At one point, dear friends of mine actually forced me out but I was still bleeding pretty bad. We were out to eat and I came back from the bathroom soaked in blood. They took me next door to K-Mart and we got new undies and pants so I could continue on. Not a highlight of my life but I remember it like it was yesterday. I was so ashamed. Ashamed of the situation at hand. Ashamed I had lost the baby. It was my fault. But I had to move on. I wasn’t the first woman to have lost a baby and I wasn’t the last. It happens often, to many. And it truly wasn’t my fault but it just took me a while to realize that.

I don’t talk about my miscarriage often because so many sad, terrible memories come flooding back. But every once in awhile I think about how I’d have a ten year old daughter right now. Everything else in my life would be different.

A few years ago when Lyla was little she was sitting at the kitchen table eating lunch. She said to me something about her sister. I told her she was being silly and she didn’t have a sister. She insisted that she did too have a sister; a big sister and she was 7.

My mouth dropped open and I almost passed out right there on the floor. I don’t believe in ghosts or spirits or any of that crap honestly. But my little girl was so convinced that she had a big sister so at that moment in time I lost all sense of prohibition and allowed myself to believe. I believed that I had had a daughter who had passed and she was looking out for her little sis.

I never lost that baby, but she was there, somewhere.

Monday, June 27, 2016

Short Shaming

Nothing like getting short shamed by your six year old.

Lyla: Coffee is for grownups and kids.

Me: No, coffee is for grownups.

Lyla: Well, you’re kind of a kid cause you’re small too. You’re little like me. More like a sister than a mom. Yeah, your my big sister. (giggles)

Me: Okay so you just went there.

Lyla: Well, you are short...

Friday, June 03, 2016

My Son has Spots

I'm pretty sure I've googled "my son has spots" at least 2-3 times since he was born. Nothing permanent or life threatening. Mostly heat rashes.

Recently, my son had lots o spots. I texted my husband in the morning and figured I'd wait until the afternoon to see if they were gone; then call the doc!

At school pickup, a few moms recommended I do call that doc because I had forgotten my son had started medicine a week ago for a sinus infection. He may be allergic they said.

I called and then took him to the doctor since I was right across the street. In the waiting room, I was frantically texting Jared, the hubs, to help me remember the three day weekend. My crazy fast, typo ridden texts and then the doc's diagnosis and Jared's final, grateful response... Enjoy!

Yup, he is grateful it wasn't the beer; what a pity of our son was allergic to beer right? Men...

Thursday, June 02, 2016

SMM: Dear Fucking Spider

My latest on Surburban Misfit Mom; Dear Fucking Spider. This happened to me recently. And it took me three days to find the mother f'er and finally end his life!

Read all about it.
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