Thursday, August 20, 2009

The Pain

Last night I wasn't feeling well at all. I'm pretty sure the zumba class and the home made schnitzel dinner with potato salad (Jared's Austrian heritage coming out there) that I stuffed my face with didn't help the fact either.

I sat down watching Jared's pick (Cocoon - gotta love Steve Gutenberg's hot legs in his short 80s shorts!) and just felt gross. I had so much pain and was just miserable. Upon going to bed, I laid down and started to cry. Pain. I have pain every day, every month, every year for the rest of my life. I'm not talking a stomach ache or a headache. I'm not even talking about a migraine - I get those and the pain I feel with those is more than immense but this pain I have every day is worse.

I don't want to sit here and complain. I'm happy that I'm alive. But last night I just cried; pity party of one, please! Every time I took a deep breath it felt like someone was stabbing me in the side, blood and guts and all. Every time I took a normal breath, that knife was just scratching my side. I have this pain every day and honestly I'm so used to it that I barely ever feel it or complain about it. However sometimes it is worse than normal. Sometimes, I can't lie down, sit up, or breath normally.

I got up after tossing and turning for five minutes sniffling and told Jared I'd be downstairs. If I didn't feel worse enough, I felt guilty for keeping him up. I sat down on the couch with my big fleece tye-dye blanket and my cats both laid down in the room with me, as if they were watching over me. I sat there and I cried for my healthy life I used to have, I cried for the intense pain I was feeling, and I cried pleading with God for one more pain free day in my life - without the use of those wonderful narcotics!

After an hour, I felt worse. There is nothing that makes me feel worse than feeling sorry for myself. There are so many greater things in this world that are worse than my pain. I am lucky to be alive, I am lucky I live where I do and have medical attention, and I should be grateful not miserable. I eventually fell asleep on the couch and then made my way up to the bed early in the morning.

It was an awful night and one I haven't had in a while. It has got me to thinking about other people. Are there other people out there in this world that have such immense pain like me every day of their lives. This pain that can't be taken away for anything in the world. A pain that one has to live with and deal with, just like me. I'm sure there are chronic pain sufferers and even more so I'd like to think in this day and age there is some sort of support group or even online community. I just want to talk with others that know how I feel. It's useless talking to Jared because he doesn't understand nor ever will.

I feel I have accepted the fact that I will never be 100% healthy again and even accepted that my chronic pain, the stabbing in my side, will last as long as I do. But it doesn't make what I am experiencing, feel any better.

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