The most annoying part of this entire thing is all the other reasons I'm not sleeping. Usually it's all my fault. I'm unable to be normal and stop thinking and just sleep. Which is the case tonight but there are other things, external things that are making it even harder.
You ever live by a pond? There are these things called frogs. So I go up to bed each night and contemplate keeping the windows open. Most of the time it's too cold but the past few nights there has been a fresh breeze that I'd like to participate with during my sleep (or so-called sleep). Tonight I left the windows open and crawled into bed, did some reading, did some chatting with the man and we turned the light off for bed. At that point and never before it, it's heard. At first you think it's an animal slowing dying. Then you listen some more and it sounds like an extremely pissed off cow, mooing at a quickened pace at the same time his balls are being electrocuted. The constant "moos" are loud, quick, sharp and completely obnoxious. Since I don't live by a farm, it's not a pissed off cow. Jared tells me these little critters are bullfrogs. Bullfrogs! You may as well call them bullhorns! They are so freaking loud. Give it a rest already. No one likes the sound of you, wants to hear you or live anywhere near you.
I slowly toss and turn wondering and the brain starts: (Jessie's brain on crack) Hmm, I wonder if the bullfrogs/horns are mating? Who could ever love something that sounds like that? Can the females even stomach it? Wait! What if the females make that noise too?! Are they talking to each other and making fun of me and the music I blast out the windows when they are sleeping? Oh my God! Do they hate Delilah? She's awesome late night radio! How dare they hate her... Damn them! They can go to hell. Jared, honey, can you sleep? Oh, you neither. Please, please, please can you get an exterminator and wipe those assholes out? I'm serious. The world would be a lot more peaceful if there were no bullfrogs/horns. Wait a minute! Remember that day last summer when a ginormous frog scared the shit out of you? (Exhibit A) That is the bastard getting back at me for giving him a heart attack with my every so panicked scream. He's the one. Him and his posse. Or maybe I can just close the windows and try and get some quiet... NO! I refuse to back down to the never ending pressure of bullfrog/horn bullying!
Exhibit A.1 (note this is not zoomed in, this MF is huge)
Exhibit A.2 (note this is not zoomed in, this MF is huge)
Okay at that point I had to get out of bed.
Of course the frogs were not the only thing disturbing the peace at my abode. One cat sleeps with us. Smudge is mature and normal. She sleeps on our bed. However Soot is not allowed. He feels the bed is his personal trampoline and drives us bonkers. It's impossible to sleep with Soot in the bedroom. He feels left out at first but he gets over it and sleeps in his bed outside the door. Of course there are exceptions to this rule. Most nights he scratches at our door for a while making us feel uber guilty. However if we give in, which we've done in the past, we totally regretted it so much Soot is never allowed back in.
Tonight was no exception. The three of us cozy on the bed, slowly but surely getting hypnotized into a silent rage by the pesky bullfrogs/horns. Soot starts banging. He's a 5 lb (and that is generous) munchkin cat, but he can kick some serious door ass. Scratch, bang, bang (moo-ribbit in the back ground). Scratch, scratch, bang, bang, moo-ribbit. Scratch, scratch, bang, bang, moo-ribbit. And I start again: (Jessie's brain on crack) I love that little cat but I'm seriously going to throw him out the window and make him try and swim with the devil frogs. Oh, that is mean, Jessie. You could never hurt an animal. Oh yeah I could! I need to sleep. I have an important meeting tomorrow, not to mention a life! What if Sooty is hungry? Jared, you awake? Does Sooty have food? Okay, okay, I'll shut up and go to sleep. Oh no! Is the basement door closed and he have no where to tinkle? Jared, you didn't close the basement door right? Jeez, okay I'll go to sleep. No I won't let him in. I promise. Poor Sooty. He can not come in and sleep with the family. He's going to punish us and be loud all night. Scratch, scratch, bang, bang, moo-ribbit.
Soot finally gets on Jared's nerves and Smudge starts to get annoyed too. They both leave the room and Jared makes sure Sooty has everything he needs. Then he comes back to bed. Five minutes later what I hear disturbs me. One cat is screaming, one cat is galloping up stairs, a little bit of hissing and I hear it again: Scratch, scratch, bang, bang, moo-ribbit. Of course this time it's Smudge trying to get back into her nook away from psycho-kitty. At this point there is no freaking way I'm sleeping: (Jessie's brain on crack) Wait a sec, is that snoring I hear? Is my husband honestly sleeping through this? I can not flipping believe this! Scratch, scratch, bang, bang, moo-ribbit , SNORE. Scratch, scratch, bang, bang, moo-ribbit, SNORE. That's it! I've had enough. I'm going down stairs! I'm NOT going to sleep tonight apparently.
I realize I'm starving and pour some honey-nut cheerios into my bowl and start gulping them down dry in an ever so unfeminine way. I start to think that maybe cheerios have a secret super power of beating insomnia, fighting/crazy cats and bullfrogs/horns. As I shovel them down, I can only imagine how silly I seem to look. Deep in thought, I'm forgetting the fact that it's now 1:53 AM and I'm still awake! Cheerios are NOT going to save me now!
I turn on this blasted computer and think of my past nights of insomnia. Back in the day when I didn't sleep every night. I thought of my old friend Snood. So I figure it's time to bring Snood back into my life. Then after some searching I start to freak out. What the hell! Since when do you have to pay for Snood. This is complete and utter bullshit. I'm going to find a weapon, a flashlight and I'm going frog hunting. I've had enough for tonight! Wow, maybe these cheerios really are superhero strength...
1 comment:
Ah yes, it's spring and all of nature is looking to find their mates! FYI: there are some frog hunting stork-like birds that also mimic the bull frog lullibye trying to attract a snack!
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