Oh the Lies You Will Tell

I have mentioned how my toddler of late has become a pretty good understudy as an exorcist, right? Really. My precious, little angelic girl is TERRIFYING! At the drop of a hat she is currently getting solid 10s on her temper tantrum performances. It's a stage, right? Promise me. She used to listen, she used to behave all the time. She used not say "poop" as every other word.

I'm really trying to navigate this new parenting gig I've got going. And I'm pretty much feeling like a failure. I've found myself saying some pretty stupid stuff. Stuff I never thought I'd ever say to my child. Stuff I'm embarrassed to post here but hoping I'm not alone, I'm taking that chance!

Lyla's new thing is sitting the car and kicking, screaming, flailing, and crying all at once if it's not the song she wants. Or the fact that I can't start the song on the radio from the beginning. Or because I closed the door so I could drive... I was so desperate to shut her up calm her down I quickly looked up to they sky, pointed, and said: 

"Look! Up there! It's the scream police! They heard you and they are coming. You are in trouble! Hurry up and be quiet!"

Lyla was immediately quiet asking me where they were. I told her now that she was quiet they were flying away and good job for being quiet. Yeah it actually worked but I felt awful!

Not my proudest moment.

Her other thing is pooping in her pants. Every. Single. Day. I think she's proud of herself too. I have tried everything! Bribes, rewards, taking things away, the lot! Nothing is working. Today before school we talked about it again and she tells me, "I have to go poopies on the potty. I don't want to ruin my pretty Minnie Mouse undies. That would be gross!" 

It's the same thing she tells me every day until she poops in her pants and laughs. So this is what I said to her today:

"I think I'm going to poop in my pants today. And so will Miss Brittany and Miss Karen at school. Maybe daddy will poop in his pants too. What do you think? If you poop in your pants so will we!  We can all poop in our pants!"

This did not go over well with her. She yelled NO, we cannot all poop in our pants. I told her if she pooped in her pants then why can't I? She said she can't poop in her pants and neither can I. I'm wondering if this crazy logic will indeed keep her from pooping in her pants today. Thoughts?! 

God grant me the patience and support and liver to handle all that comes with an almost 3 year old plus a heavy drinking problem.