Monday, September 19, 2011

About to Lose It

Okay well I actually did just lose it.  What you may ask?  Well my sanity for one thing (or all that is left of it), I lost it emotionally and just sobbed all over my laptop to Jared, and although I let it all out, I'm still not feeling great.

What happens if you are living someone else's dream?  What do you do?  I am living someone else's dream.  I am doing what someone else wants to do; not me.  My dream, well it's unreachable currently so in the mean time I have to keep doing what I'm doing.  Living, working, breathing, getting by.  I should be over the moon, grateful, thrilled to the max - like any other person would be.  But me, no I'm not.  I'm nervous, I'm anxious, and I'm worried.  I don't think I can do it. I think I may fail.  I think this is not what I want.

You only have one life, so live it the way you want?  But it's not that easy. 

My throat has been throbbing for 3 weeks now. I swear I have strep throat.  I've been eating Halls like candy.  The wrapper says:  A pep talk in every drop.  With the words:  Be unstoppable, Power through, Push on, Inspire envy.  I want to take this wrapper, shred it into a million pieces, then burn it, and spit on it, then throw it in the toilet and flush.  Power through?  Easier said than done.  

When will it be my time?  When can I look in the mirror and be happy with what I'm doing?  Life sucks sometimes.  But beggars can't be choosers, right?  I am lucky, grateful for what I'm doing with myself but I don't have to be in love with it.

Ugh, just thinking these thoughts out load makes me feel a bit better but it will be a while before my dreams can come true.  

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