Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Grief, Withdrawals, Intense Love - First Day of School Eve

And so the summer is over. Lyla goes back to school in less than 12 hours. First grade!

It seems like just yesterday I was writing about her being ready for kindergarten. Even though we’ve jumped over that hurdle, I’ve been sitting here for days, weeks really thinking about what will happen when she goes back for first grade. And to be honest I’ve been avoiding it. But tomorrow, less than 12 hours away, I’ll be dropping her off with hugs and kisses and my daily reminders:

Be kind.

Be respectful.

Listen and have fun.

I asked her tonight, at bedtime, what she needs to remember for school. And she listed them out by memory. Be kind, momma. Be respectful, momma. I smiled and squeezed her so hard.

The summer flew by as it always does. I had every single day with her for the most part. Every day this summer we woke up together, we read together, we did silly things, we did fun things, we argued, we yelled, we cried, we did gymnastics, we did swimming, we took walks, we ate ice cream, we enjoyed each other. But now she’s going to be gone. Every day.

My six year old is my best friend and she’s off back at school every day. I miss her already. I’m having withdrawals already. I’m still awake late on first day of school eve willing it to go slower.

Next summer won’t be the same. Maybe when she’s seven, she’ll be too grown up for me. Maybe not. I hope not.

I took the this first day of school eve off so we could have a day for the 2 of us. We had no plans other than just to be together and have fun. We didn’t do anything crazy but it was just us and we let spontaneity get the best of us. We went where we felt at the time. Relaxing and fun. She told me tonight her favorite part of the whole summer was today. I told her my favorite part of my whole life is having her and her brother. I told her I couldn’t love her more if I tried.

Motherhood has seriously taken me to a place I’ve never been before. I can’t imagine not having this in my life. It’s the greatest gift and the greatest joy. It’s also my greatest sadness. I can’t keep them young forever. But I can hold on to them, love them senselessly, and cry for them as they grow up.

My ramblings will stop now. The tears have flowed and it’s getting really late. If you’re reading this A: I’m surprised I published this and B: I hope you’re a parent. Sometimes the emotions I feel as a parent are all over the place. I hope you can relate as a new school year kicks off.

For now, I’m going to get through drop off without any tears and when I get home, I’ll allow myself to grieve the summer. I’ll cry because I miss my little girl.

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