Monday, September 21, 2015

15 Reasons My Baby Won't Nap

As a full time working momma from home, I need naps. Not just for my own sanity but to ensure I can get some uninterrupted work done during the day. But my son, he’s got other plans.

Why is he not napping? I have some ideas...

  1. He’s not napping and just screaming because he loves to scream and cry. He thinks his voice is comparable to Bono and has big plans for his future.
  2. He lost the nap battle yesterday and is damned if he’ll lose again. He’s a winner in the true spirit of the word. He will not quit! He will win!
  3. He knows I hate the crying. He knows deep down inside how much his crying gets to me. He absolutely feels that if he keeps crying uncontrollably, I will give in and pick him up because the crying breaks my heart.
  4. He won’t nap because he’s just not tired. His yawning, crankiness, and tired eyes, which are the sure signs, are just a gig. He’s pretending he’s crying for his future acting career. If he can fool me, just think how amazing his Oscar acceptance speech will be some day. “I dedicate this to my mother who thought I was tired all those time but in truth I was acting from such an early age. Sorry mom, but look at me now!”
  5. He’s not happy with the crib mattress. He is pretty sure he ordered the Tempurpedic but for some reason he got a Sealy. The coils on his back are just not as comfy as the foam could be. Until he gets them switched out, he will cry in protest.
  6. He knows his big sister is not napping and nor does she have to. At the ripe old age of 9 months old, he understands that life is not fair but there should be some consistency between siblings when it comes to fairness.
  7. The hand crocheted blanket you insist on putting on him made by his great grandmother, though sentimental, is not practical. He’s literally sweating his balls off! Crack a window, sure. Strip me his diaper, try it. But it doesn’t matter, get the damn blanket off of him or he’s going to just cry out “for the love of God stop covering me in 80 degree heat! And no it’s not comforting! Stop making me be like Linus from Peanuts. They all made fun of him with his blanket dependency. Just. Take. It. Off!”
  8. He sees the bottle over there. He’s not hungry at all but he’s looking at it and smiling. So he suckers you into giving it to him. He’s laying in his crib drinking the bottle all by himself thinking he’s hot shit. He’s got you just where he wants you. He doesn’t even want to drink it but will play with it and your mind. If he keeps pretending to drink, he knows you think he’s hungry and he can successfully stall nap until the bottle is taken away once you realize his game. You take it and then he cries again so you give it back. And so this ridiculous charade continues until you give up and he wins.
  9. He knows you’re downstairs eating ice cream. He’s sad about this for a number of reasons. A. You’re eating it without him. How very dare you! B. He’s seen you whine and complain about all that extra baby weight that he “supposedly” caused. So he’s unsure exactly why you’re making matters worse with the ice cream. Therefore he’s going to cry and cry for you. Cry because he’s sad you can’t control yourself and cry because he wanted that last scoop of mint chocolate chip.
  10. He’s not going to nap because he can hear the TV. The color, the sound, the movement! Oh, it’s too much fun! He wants to see whatever is playing whether it’s Sons of Anarchy or Big Bird. TV is the coolest thing he’s ever encountered and there is no way in hell he’s going to sleep and miss a thing!
  11. He knows undeniably that if he sweetly coos mamamamama, you’re going to melt. It’s a given. Why nap all by himself if he calls mamamama and you, being the sentinmental fool that you are, go running to listen and coo back at him. Most likely this will result in picking him up for some extra cuddles. Nap time is a wash because he clearly called out to you. Sucker.
  12. No way he’s napping. He’s naked except for his diaper but he knows there is this thingy under that diaper. He can try with all his might to grab it from outside the diaper or he can struggle to reach inside to get it. Either way, that thing that peepee comes out of is way too cool to not touch right now. Nap? Negative…
  13. Nap in his crib? Seriously? Why would he possibly nap in the crib by himself when yesterday daddy held him for two hours so comfortably in the chair to sleep. He had the exact neck support required as well as just the right level of warmth. The crib is so isolated. He says no thanks to that.
  14. He knows at this exact moment you’re frazzled. There are a billion things you need to do right now but can’t until he goes to sleep. He’s going to use this opportunity to toy with you. He’ll laugh, smile, cry, and scream. Anything. He’ll do it all purposely not to sleep. It’s called momma training. He’s got to immerse you in worst case scenario type moments to get you ready for the real deal later on in life. If parenting was always easy, you’d have a real problem come the teen years. You’re going to thank him for this later. Promise.
  15. He just misses you. He can’t sleep because your sweet smell is gone. Your beautiful long locks are not available for pulling. Your neck and cheeks aren’t close by for pinching. Your crazy old man voice that he thinks is hysterical is quiet. Until you stay by his side, rubbing his back, and gently shushing him, he’s not going to sleep. And even then, he's’ going to pull a #8 and then a #11. At this rate, don’t bother. He wins.

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