Friday, August 01, 2014

An Honest Admission from a Second Time Mom

I didn't want to call it because I was scared to be wrong. Every mother wants to have the feeling, that inclination, that knowing deep down inside. With Lyla, I knew from the beginning but what I didn't know, was if it was just pure desire giving me the intuition or if it was in fact that motherly knowing feeling. When the sonographer told me it was a girl all those years ago, so many flooding emotions overcame me. I had wanted a little girl more than anything in the world. I had felt it, I had desired it, and I had bonded with the idea of it before I even met her.

When I found out I was expecting number two, well let's be honest, I knew I was expecting or could be expecting because after many, many months of trying to conceive it's there or not. Plus there are no "accidents" when I'm on the medication I'm on. So it wasn't a shocker. But I immediately desired a little girl again. One of the biggest reasons I wanted another child was to give Lyla a sister. I have a sister and love the bond that it includes. I wanted that for her more than anything. I imagined how they would look wearing matching dresses. I dreamed how they would look out for one another, gossip together, and argue about fashion. I smiled at their potential bond for life.

At my ultrasound a few weeks back, it was too soon to determine the sex of the baby and afterwards, I even admitted to myself that I was feeling a boy. It scared me and I didn't want to say it out loud. My entire pregnancy up to this point has been exactly the same as with Lyla. Jared pretty much assumed he was not getting the boy he really wanted. It just had to be a girl - but a healthy baby was more important of course.

A few days ago, we had our 20 week ultrasound. At first I didn't even want to know the sex of the baby until he/she came. But as the weeks went by and I started getting into my planner mode (well I'm always in my planner mode as a planner by career), I just had to know. We got in the room with the same sonographer we'd had already 3 times for my ultrasound and she knew us well. Lyla was excited to see her "baby girl" and Jared had a look of disappointment on his face thinking he knew full well he was not getting his boy. So imagine our surprise when she looked over at us and said, It's a boy! And very obviously a boy!

Jared says, are you serious!

I say, are you sure?

Lyla says, is that my baby girl?

Immediately I was sad. And then even more sad as I thought about how sad I was about it. Then I got angry for being sad about being sad. I looked over at Jared who was grinning ear to ear. I'm surprised he didn't pee his pants with excitement. The rest of the scan went well and the baby is looking perfectly healthy and that should be all that matters and quite honestly it is all that matters. But just for good measure, I asked her to look in between the legs one more time before we were done. I wanted to see it one more time for myself and she laughed accusing me of not believing her. And there clear as day was a baby penis. Of course my first thought was, wow, I have a penis in my belly for 9 months...

Lyla wasn't too sure what was going on when she walked in to my parents house and yelled "tenis" for everyone to know it was a boy. Luckily my sister was able to translate to "penis" for the rest of the group. And so began a night of celebrating. Jared had one too many drinks toasting his soon to be born son while my dad went through the list of baby boy names thinking he had a say in what was decided.

Of course the news was leaked to social media and a slew of congratulations came our way. You see, Jared is an only child and his parents are only children so he was worried about his lineage - I'm not even joking. He posted the following on Facebook (and this was his 3rd post for the record due to his excitement):

"Just when you thought the Ford lineage ended with me we now are blessed with an heir to the throne. So now we have a princess and we will soon have a prince. All they need is a castle. Lol. But seriously, I'm an only child with parents that are only children so I can rest knowing a new generation of Ford's will live on. They will learn to love football, not soccer, eat beans on toast and put the 'U's back in every word the Americans took out."

For the past couple days, I've been thinking about this little man inside my belly. I guess my intuition was right on this time despite my desire for another girl. But in all honesty, I still have not been excited but more sad. I finally admitted to Jared yesterday that I'm not super happy about having a boy and the fact that I feel that way is making me feel so guilty and sad. What kind of mother isn't excited about their baby regardless of the sex? What kind of mother begrudgingly tells people, yeah it's a boy...

After months, even years of trying to conceive and I'm finally blessed with a healthy baby! What the fuck is wrong with me. I never in a million years thought I'd be that woman who was upset about the baby's sex. It's a 50/50 shot. You don't get to choose. I told myself, like I tell Lyla daily, you get what you get, and you don't get upset. I hate this person I've been the last few days being sad because I failed to give Lyla a sister. Even though she woke up the day after the ultrasound and asked if it was a girl baby now. That was super cute.

Last night I had a dream. The baby was poking his hand out of my stomach and you could see it clear as day. I put my hand on his hand and I cried. Granted it felt like a huge hand, but it was a boy hand, my boy's hand. We had a moment in my dream and I woke up remembering it as if it had actually happened during the night. Maybe it did. But more importantly, I woke up and I felt at peace. I envisioned this little guy following his big sister around. I've see them playing together, fighting together, and looking out for each other. I'm okay with having this little boy, in fact, I feel excited now. Maybe it just took a few days to get used to it. Maybe he felt what I was feeling inside and decided to show me how sweet he already is. Whatever it was, I'm sorry that I was ever sad he wasn't a girl. 

I still can't believe I felt the way I did. But I have to forgive myself and move on. None of us are perfect and we feel what we feel; you can't change that. This little boy inside of my belly is our little miracle of life. He will proudly carry on our name and we will be proud of him no matter what he becomes. I know his sister will adore him and they will have an amazing bond. I can finally say it with pride, I'm having a boy!

1 comment:

Thérèse Wu said...

Oh Jessie!! I am so happy for you! Congratulations!!

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