I don't want to sleep. But I'm very tired.
The past few nights I've tried to stay up as late as possible.
"Oh I have to work..."
"I want to watch just one more show..."
"I'm not really (YAWN) tired yet..."
Excuses. All of them.
I don't want to sleep because I don't want the next day to be here already. Another day come and gone. My life is moving too fast. My little girl is growing up too fast.
Or I could really tell the truth...
I'm leaving on a five day work/anniversary trip with my husband. We are heading to San Francisco on an all-expenses paid trip (from work thank you) for 2 days of business and 3 days of pleasure. When I booked this trip, I knew we needed a getaway. Jared even said, bring Lyla with us but that was impractical due to work and cost. So I said I could handle it. I said, we can do this.
I don't think I can. I don't think I can leave my baby for FIVE days without dying. I'm not talking about driving to Cape Cod four hours away for the weekend. We are talking about an across the country flight without her. For five days.
I keep thinking that if I don't go to sleep it won't get here but I can't delay the inevitable. It's here. We leave in less than 12 hours. She's already at my sister and mom's for the long weekend. I've already said farewell for five days. I've already cried the entire way home from the drop off. I've already packed my bags. I've already tried to go to sleep. But I just can't. I don't know if I can get on that plane tomorrow.
So instead, I'll just avoid sleep. I'll hold off until my eyes can no longer keep open. And the inevitable happens.
Sure, tell me I'm so lucky. Tell me you wish you had a job like mine sending you to cool places. Tell me you're jealous that I can work from home. That I make good money. I'm not lucky. I don't want it. I'm done. I just want to stay home with my child. I just want a simpler, less crazy life.
Maybe some day. For now, I will have to eventually go to sleep.