Ever since we became parents, Jared and I have been lucky. We both have had flexible jobs allowing us a lot more time than most parents with our child. Imagine waking up each morning and instead of rushing around getting ready for work, we got to lounge around in our jammies and cuddle with our daughter a little longer. We got to watch her reach all her milestones while we worked from home.
It was the perfect situation. Jared got two days at home and I was home 4 days a week. Granted we were both working during this time but it was working from a laptop on the floor of our daughter's room. She was rolling around or reading books and we were responding to emails and getting things done. It was quite the life until Lyla got too big. She started requiring more attention and wanted to play. We knew she was growing up and needed interaction with other kids her age; meanwhile my workload picked up as did the amount of conference calls I had. Conference calls with screaming toddlers = mass havoc. So last fall we decided to start school. At first the one day a week went great. Lyla loved going there and proudly waved goodbye to me after I dropped her off. She was the little social butterfly of the joint and her eyes lit up upon arrival.
Soon afterwards, we decided she needed two days a week and has been going two days a week since December. It was just harder and harder for me to get work done and as much as I felt guilty about it, it was necessary and better for her in the long run. We got down to a schedule that was perfect:
Mondays - Lyla is at school
Tuesdays - Lyla is home with daddy
Wednesdays - Lyla is at school
Thursdays - Lyla is home with mommy and daddy
Fridays - Lyla is at home with mommy
We both got one quality day with Lyla, she got her groove on at school, and meanwhile we were both able to get work done.
Fast-forward to last week when Jared's work decided he no longer has the privilege to work from home due to a new company-wide policy. I promise to not say anything bad about this but my sourness is there, my anxiety and anger is here, and the steam blowing out of my nose and ears is real. And here is where I'll go all postal on you: EVERYTHING IS RUINED NOW! Sob! Sigh! Sob!
I can't stay home with Lyla three days a week because my work is so demanding currently and it's not fair to Lyla. So one more day to school she goes. Three days a week my poor child will be away from me.
I have been lucky! I have had more time with my daughter than most working moms. But I want it all and I can't have it. Our luck has run out and I'm so sad about it. I did not have a child so that someone else could raise her. I had a child so I could be there for all her milestones, to teach her her ABCs, and be there when she needed me. I cannot be a stay at home mom despite my desire to be so this will just have to be the way it is. And when I'm stressed out and crying each day I'm home with her because I'm not getting any work done, I will be forced to be grateful I have her the two days I do.
Sometimes parenthood is just cruel and sometimes I'm just very selfish. I want my daughter close to me while I'm working hard to save for her college fund. This new scenario at our home just goes to prove you can't have it all and to be grateful for what you have. Things they are a changing for us but we will get through it and Lyla will not be scarred for life. Me on the other hand, I'm not so sure...
(For the record, I do realize this is a very minor dealio in the scheme of things. Most people have actual problems in this world and my life is not so bad. Sometimes it just feels good to complain and get it out. I do realize I'm grateful for what I've had and what I still have. And it's still a lot better than what most people have.)
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