Wednesday, February 16, 2011

What to do with myself?

Did you ever feel inadequate?  Did you ever think maybe you're not smart enough?  Did you ever think you're in way over your head?

That is how I'm feeling right now.  Without getting into details that I don't feel comfortable sharing, I need to just get this out, I feel like my education if failing me.  I feel like I don't know enough to be doing some of the jobs I'm doing.  I'm so nervous I'm going to fail or that I'm going to ruin a project. I look around at all the others and they are smart, well-educated, with big vocabulary, and confidence and there's little ol' me from a state university with no fancy degree, and no post grad accomplishments.  Am I good enough?

I sat down with Jared and talked to him about it and he tried to help, really.  But just telling your wife not to worry and that I am smart did nothing.  For those of you who know me, and know me well, you know how much I hate school; especially college.  With that in mind, understand that I actually am considering returning to an institution.  I thought about getting a master's degree and even searched for a program.  But with a child, a very demanding job, and a husband who is also trying to make his way up this is not as easy as it seems.

I can't do night school.  I barely have time to play with my daughter let alone study. And there are no fancy schools near me and I'd refuse to go to another state uni.  Jared and I have argued about this in the past and I have always disagreed with him but I think he's right.  No matter the education you get, it's all about where you go and the perception about that school.  If I had graduated from Yale - no matter my degree, I'd not feel this way.  He always told me that he wants our kids to go to good schools with good reputations, not just a state uni like we did.  I never thought it matters but it does.  I wouldn't feel so inadequate if I had not.

I'm at this point in my life where I can just continue on or I can do better.  I never wanted to be a career woman, only a mom.  But life handed me a career and a child; a career we depend on and live off of.  So do I try to excel or do I settle?

I have no idea what to do right now but I feel excited to be a part of the things I'm part of.  I have potential to be better and I'm not sure I can be better without more schooling.  I don't know if I can just settle and try to be smarter and in a class with the others.  I want more for myself but don't know if I can achieve it or if it will matter.

Sometimes I just wish I could google "what to do with myself" and find all the answers I'm looking for.

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