A whole decade of my life will soon be over. What a sad, pathetic thought! A new number is looming over my head; a new era. But is a number just a number really? And is an age as old as you feel? As I plan to cross over into the unknown it is really making me think back and look at my life.
A few FAQs I've been asking myself a lot lately:
Am I happy?
Is anyone really ever happy? I have good days and bad. Yesterday started off good but somehow on the way home from the mall I had a hissy fit, became miserable, and put a gun to Jared's head (well not literally because a. I'm not a psycho and b. Don't have a gun...) and told him I wanted a hot fudge sundae and asap. I definitely wasn't acting my age then. But on Saturday, all was well and I was happy. Me and my family had a good day and I'm so lucky to have them. So am I happy? I think overall I am happy; on the surface at least. There are some outstanding issues I'll probably always have but overall, yes, I'm happy. I have a gorgeous, wonderful daughter and a devoted, amazing husband. I'm luckier than most.
Do I have regrets?
Fuck yes (pardon my french). I have a lot of regrets; sadly. But none that I can't say led me to more opportunities and things. Let's play the "if I hadn't" game for a minute; humor me: One regret I have in my life was not going away to college. I never experienced dorm life or being away from home. There are many reasons why this came about (and I won't even mention how much my parents wanted it this way - they did bribe, me yes they did!). But yes I regret it. I missed out on a whole part of life I should have had and I do regret it. But in the end it was my decision. And if I hadn't gone to my local state school, I wouldn't have gotten the co-op job as a meeting planner. I wouldn't have known I was awesome at it and that it was my destiny to be a "planner". If I hadn't had that job, I wouldn't have met my wonderful friend Rose who eventually introduced me to my wonderful husband. If I hadn't have met Jared, I wouldn't have been married to a man who cooks, cleans, and is so determined and hard working in life. Then I wouldn't have had Lyla.
I play these "if I hadn't" games a lot because I sometimes find myself getting sad about how life is sometimes. But I'm lucky. My regrets weren't detrimental to my life and I have made a good life for myself despite.
Do I feel successful?
To me, success is not something I have never desired. Success = a thriving career to most people. I feel in my job I am successful sometimes. In fact, I'm further along in my career than I ever really desired. God gave me a career and I have to embrace it; no matter how much a "career" didn't really mean much to me. But as always, success in my eyes is my life as a whole. I am successful. I have a good marriage after 6 years. I have an amazing daughter whom I live for and love more than any humanly love around. I own my own home, a beautiful home. I have a family who loves me and is always there for me. So yes, I am successful in life as a whole.
Does it really matter that I'm going to be 30?
Yes and no. Yes, I'm fucking old! Holy shit! No, I'm matured, experienced, smart, grown up (well, sort of!). I can't decide what freaks me out more: a. that I'm leaving the 20s or b. that I'm joining the 30s. I'll let you know how that goes.
So the countdown to this new era is on as I only have a few days left. I somehow feel that it will come and go and nothing will change; all will be well. Life will go on and I will be okay.