Monday, June 07, 2010

Hello my name is...Mother

It's been five weeks and three days since I officially joined the mother club.

Five weeks and three days of:
sleepless nights,
hysterical crying by me and the baby,
me and the hubs arguing over petty things due to exhaustion,
sleepy smiles from Lyla,
snuggles at 2am,
inflation of the heart due to intense love,
spit up,
poopy diapers,
getting peed on,
picking noses,
fretting about everything,
calling doctors non stop,
receiving so many well wishes, gifts, and coos of how adorable Lyla is,
figuring out complicated baby gear,
tiny laundry,
baths with rubber duckies,
bottle cleaning,
diaper buying,
accessorizing the little one,
documenting many firsts,
introducing Lyla to so many new people,
listening to Raffi and other various lullabies,
pulling over on streets, highways, and at rest stops to fix a crying baby,
and enjoying every bit of parenthood.

But I expected all of this.  I know many parents and I have seen them all deal with a lot of this stuff plus I worked at a daycare in the baby room for years gaining lots of experience.  Whether it was my cousin Kristi pulling over on the side of the road to reinsert the binky into Mathew's mouth to stop the wailing, watching my mom lick her finger and wipe my sister and brother's face growing up, or dealing with the motherload of all poopy diapers at daycare.

The one thing I did not expect was my new attitude.  I'm the lioness protecting her cub, I'm that mother who's going to yell at you for smoking anywhere near my baby, the one who screams at her neighbors at 3am to shut up because they are noisy (neighbors who are about her age, talk about feeling old!), the mom who screams at telemarketers on the phone for disturbing her child, the mom who gives strangers the evil eye when they try to touch my baby in public, and basically I'm a whole new bitch.

I totally was not prepared for this at all.  I knew life would change drastically, that hormones did a job on you, but I did not expect to grow balls!  I've never been a bitchy kind of person; always so afraid I'd hurt somebody's feelings.  In fact, I usually apologize for no reason at all, all the time.  But now that I have Lyla, watch out!  I'm on the prowl for anyone who may harm her in any way.  So listen up:

Bus driver that comes down our cul-de-sac to turn around going about 40 miles per hour, slow down before I report you.  What if I'm pushing Lyla around or she's outside some day on her bike.  You are a danger to our neighborhood!

If any of you child molesters come any where near my house or my child, you'd rather have the death penalty than the torture I'll put you through.

Try to kidnap my child and I'll be sure to make sure your entire family suffers.

All you people who don't give a lady with a baby the right away, you know who you are you crowd pushers in the cities and impatient people in stores, make room right now before I embarrass you like non other.

And if you're cursing in public, don't make me take out my soap bar in the diaper bag and whip it at you Mariano Rivera-style.

I am mother, hear me roar!

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