Friday, April 09, 2010

Light at the End of the Tunnel

There was a time when I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life.  Don't get me wrong, I still have no idea about the general purpose and point of my life sometimes.  I think about all I'm doing and all I'd like to do and get lost in it all.  For nine months now, my purpose in life has been clear though.  I think it has been the most clear than ever before.  But it's kind of hard to not know that when you're carrying a child.

The point of my life, my whole existence since August has been to take care of myself and take care of our growing baby.  Seems like it would be easy enough but it's not.  Countless days of worry, anxiety, pain, and excitement combined with symptoms, choices, and decisions have been my whole world during this time.  But those are small. The big picture is that I have a baby and she will be here soon.  

I've spent a lot of this pregnancy miserable, but who can blame me.  I've not had it easy and I know I'm not the only pregnant woman in the entire world so I don't expect extra sympathy.  In fact, I don't expect anything.  I am lucky to join an elite group in this world.  The elite group of moms.  Last week I was laying on the couch (my home sweet home right now since being on bed rest), and our baby girl was rolling around.  It was clearly visible the movement and I watched my stomach shifting and couldn't help but smile.  It was then at the precise moment I realized that this is the best thing in the world.    All the pain, suffering, and complaining is so tired.  Right then, I felt so privileged to be a mom-to-be.  I felt so proud of my baby girl moving around.  In fact, I was so happy I said out loud to myself, I love being pregnant right now.  

As I near the end of this journey I've been on for 38 weeks so far, I sadly look back at the time past.  It's gone by very fast and despite everything, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  And that light is our little girl.  If I have been complaining, miserable, and just down right bitchy for the past nine months, I want to apologize.  It's not been fair to my family, friends, and especially Jared.  I know now that this path I've been on, although tough, is the most exciting and rewarding path my life has taken thus far.  Adding a member to our family has been a privilege and something you can't ever imagine unless you've done it.  If you're a mom, I salute you.  If you're a dad and have gone through a pregnancy with your wife, I salute you.  It's a journey, alright but one well worth it.

I am so grateful my life has a new meaning to it and I can not wait to meet my little bun in the oven.  I have worked hard for her, fought for her, protected her, and loved her more than anything.  Meeting her will probably be one of the best days of my life.

1 comment:

Julie said...

Beautiful post, Jessie. So excited for you!

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