Friday, March 12, 2010

Want to Paint My Toes?

Last night I spent an excruciating ten minutes trying to bend over and clip my toenails at the same time.  Who would have thought that a gigantic, hard, pregnant belly would be such a nuisance when general body maintenance is in order?  The past two weeks I have been looking at my alien feet.  They frighten me for sure.  Ninety percent of the time they are swollen like sausages lately, my toes have not been properly pedicured in months, and I'm pretty sure I could cut you because they are so rough (TMI?  sorry!).

I have been banned from getting a pedicure as per my doctor (SOB!).  So now I sadly look at my unmanageable feet and long for the days when they looked cute.  I am dying, just dying to paint my toes to make them look a little cuter/make me feel a little better but trying to paint my toes, just trying, would be like trying to catch a fish in a chlorine pool. Impossible!  It doesn't exist!  I've realized that being pregnant means you can not bend over, at all.  One has to squat or else severe pain ensues.  But squatting also challenges gravity and with all this extra belly I usually fall over.  This makes it impossible to paint my toes.  Hence you see the problem.

I have two huge fears for when I go into labor - I guarantee you they are not what you're expecting to hear.  Promise not to laugh!  One is I'll go into labor and have hairy legs.  I can't imagine giving birth with hairy legs.  All the nurses/docs at that end of me holding my gorilla legs makes me cringe.  In fact, it makes me cringe more than the labor pains I'm going to endure.  Therefore I make a point to shave every couple days, just in case!  No matter how painful and difficult it is, my legs are never too hairy because I would die being hairy when I give birth.  I'm one of those people who shaves and cleanses before seeing the doc.  I don't want him to think I'm dirty or hairy so I make a point to do my thing.  Giving birth will NOT be an exception!  I don't care how much pain I'm in or how fast I need to get in the hospital.  No one will stop me from taking a shower and properly shaving.

My other huge fear is having crusty, dry, unpainted toe nail feet.  Who wants to hold on to my nasty feet when I'm pushing out that kid?  In fact, it may be harder for me to push if I look out and see these nasty feet in stirrups rather than properly pedicured feets.  I will be so embarrassed if I can't make them pretty before baby.  In fact, I'm more worried about my feet and hairy legs making me embarrassed than all those other things that can happy (won't even go into detail!)  So again, don't try and stop me.  I will do everything I can to get my currently nasty feet into order before the big day.

So if any of you want to come over and paint my toes, I'd be grateful.  I've asked Jared and despite his utter hate of feet, he said he would.  But he's so busy getting his work computer ready, the baby room touchups done, and putting things together that my feet are taking a back seat.  

Now that you know more than you've ever wanted to know about my feet and legs, keep me in mind when you have some free time want to do a good deed!

1 comment:

Julie said...

This sooo made me laugh! I am absolutely shocked that someone has not invented long-handled nail clippers and nail polish brushes! I think we may be on to something that could make us millions....

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