Friday, February 19, 2010

The Pregnancy Policy

Dear Management,

For the last five years, I have been thoroughly committed to my job.  I have worked more than the classic 9-5 shift, every weekend I checked in and did some work, I've jetted off to many foreign and domestic places for events, and I've enjoyed and suffered the highs and lows of our company's financial situation.  You can call me a dedicated employee, hard working, and 100% focused on making our company better.

It has come to my attention, that we are severely lacking a policy in which I consider essential to all companies out there.  Furthermore, I feel that if this policy were to be accepted, production would be at an all time high for 365 days out of the year.  Before I divulge the specifics of this new policy, please remember that although the female population of this business is small, the work output provided by each female is undeniably a quintessential role.

Without further ado, the new policy I am highly in favor of is the Pregnancy Policy.  It is understood worldwide that the predominant sex is female and that is why we women have the privilege to procreate.  It is a known fact that while carrying a child in the womb, women undergo many bodily changes in which can reek havoc on their daily lives.  It is imperative while we women are undergoing such an magical ordeal, we are most comfortable enabling us to enhance the experience of our pregnancy.  The Pregnancy Policy will help alleviate discomfort while at the same time help the company continue with high quality work.

In a nutshell, here are the major points of the Pregnancy Policy:

A.  A pregnancy last for forty weeks.  During those forty weeks, there are three trimesters that are equally different posing many symptoms that alter from week to week.  The Pregnancy Policy states that from the first month of trying to conceive through conception and the first trimester (twelve weeks), a female may or may not put in as many hours as she'd like.  Trying to conceive and waiting to find out if you did as well as getting through those first twelve weeks is the most stressful part of pregnancy.  Women are most likely not going to be productive because they will be to concerned with their ovulation calendar, reading websites to check early signs of pregnancy, and inevitably puking every morning once they find out it's positive.

The first trimester is full of very interesting side affects:  cramping, light spotting can occur, severe nausea, vomiting, and extreme exhaustion.  There is no possible way a newly pregnant woman can focus and be that 100% hardworking employee they were.  Therefore don't expect them to be.  As soon as your female worker tells you she is trying to conceive, find someone to do her job.  That way she can focus on her body and her needs.  Of course as part of the policy, it requires the woman to still be in charge of her job even if someone does all the work.  

B.  During the second trimester, it is time to adapt to the pregnant woman.  Install a port-a-potty next to her desk, a fridge, and a vending machine within short distance from her.  At all times, assume she is right and take her ideas seriously because she will shine during this time.  Also, whenever she is having a pregnancy brain moment, be sure to ignore it and just fix the mistake yourself.  It is imperative that she is on top of her job and is in charge.  She decides when she can or can't work.  One other important part of this policy is to allow 1-2 hour breaks for exercise and/or naps.  A fit and well rested pregnant women is always a happier one.  Take this time to install a break room with a bed/couch and treadmill.

C. It is important that any and all cravings are met during pregnancy.  It is time to hire a gopher.  This person's job is to assist the pregnant women in any and all matters.  For a random craving at 2pm, the gopher gets it.  To pick up the slack while she naps, the gopher does it.  You should get the idea.  A gopher should be someone strong willed and strong stomached.  They should also be a great back and shoulder massager.  It may be a good idea to always keep one on staff since they hard to come by.

D.  Vacation time is necessary.  The Pregnancy Policy includes a mandatory two weeks paid vacation during each trimester.  Women need to get their nurseries ready, need to shop, and of course get extra rest and relaxation.  Throwing in a free trip on the company jet to the company apartment in the Caribbean goes a long way as well.  

E.  The third trimester is the most difficult for any woman.  When the time is nearing the Policy states that the gopher sets up her office in her home.  She stays home and can do as she pleases.  She can research baby names and nursery themes online rather than do conference calls because that is what she has the gopher for.  She can sleep in, rest whenever she needs, and not have to worry about finding clothes to fit her expanding belly.  The woman will work however many hours she sees fit and will also get full pay.  This part of the policy is essential to make sure the woman gets enough rest and does not go into labor early.

F.  Post baby is an important time.  The policy states a woman can have off as much paid time as she wants with one condition that she will come back to work at some point (either two years from now or 18 years from now).  She will be promised her old job and her salary upon her return.  The policy states the gopher must stay with her for a year to assist her and keep her up to date with office gossip.  The company is required to buy her everything off the registry that she did not receive and also sends her baby cash monthly for a savings account for five years.  

There are a few other items involved in the Pregnancy Policy as above are the most important matters.  Other things include free food, a pay rise, and monthly massages.

I feel that for all we women do at work, this little Policy could make a dramatic effect in our work ethic and our family lives.  It's just a little something to celebrate the miracle of life and all we women go through for the world to procreate. I would appreciate you making this policy go into effect immediately.


No comments:

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...