Thursday, January 07, 2010

A letter to the Preggers

Dear all you pregnant women who at one point in your life boasted how much you love being pregnant,

You are crazy.  The one and only greatest part of being pregnant of course is the actual process of a beautiful new life growing in your womb. And that little person is grown from you and your loved one.  That baby will be born and steal your heart immediately (or so I'm told).

So I ask you this, what other part of pregnancy could you possibly love?

- Nausea.  I know you didn't love nausea.  The 24/7 feeling of being hungover without one cocktail of course.  The queasiness you feel at the hint of any random smell - for me it was fish and vinegar.  Sitting down and then having to take five minutes to stand up due to pure stomach pain.  Don't lie!  You did not enjoy this.

- Cramps.  Stabbing pains so bad that you double over afraid your knees might give out. Cramping for weeks on end thinking something is wrong which leads me to the next one.

- Worries.  That's right.  You know at every point and stage in your pregnancy the littlest thing made you worry.  If you had cramps - is the baby okay?  If you're spotting, is the baby okay?  If you don't feel it move for an entire day - is the baby okay?  So yeah we all worry a lot about many things but this part of the pregnancy is not awesome let me tell you.

- Tatas are freaking out.  No woman likes when their rib bumpers are sore.  Just walking up or down the stairs is like you're jumping on a trampoline with 20lb weights sloshing against your ribs.  Ouch!  I won't even get into the whole nipple thing.  Apparently preggars are cold ALL the time...

- Cravings.  This is so not cool!  Especially when the ONE THING you crave is not available in the country!  Yes I did go to Canada specifically for my craving.  Also, how could any woman enjoy wanting junk food 24/7 (okay so maybe I'm enjoying this part of pregnancy...).

- Changing palates.  My entire palate for food has changed.  Women, do you enjoy loving a dish one day and as soon as you're pregnant you can't stand the sight or smell of it?  No, it's not fun!

- Bending over.  This is not possible at all when pregnant.  Every time I try and start grunting, I make myself laugh and then almost fall over.  It's quite the sight.  Don't know how women can enjoy not being able to shave, put on shoes/socks, or pick things up.  Granted I'm only 6 months now, scared to death what will happen in a few more months!

- Your body is not your body.  I have no control over my body.  You all are lying when you say you love that your body is taken over by an alien (the baby) and makes you do all these crazy things.  At least it will not be popping out of your stomach any time soon like in Aliens.

- Aches and pains.  Nobody enjoys back pain.  So when this kid is causing your balance to shift causing more pressure on the back, ouchies!  Again, you're lying that you enjoyed this or didn't have it.  Poopoo on you!

-  Port-a-potty needed with you at all times.  How could anyone enjoy peeing every hour.  You ladies are crazy if you think that's fun.  I won't even get into the whole, you sneeze you pee issue as well...

- Heartburn.  Everything I eat produces fire in my throat for hours.  I may as well become one of the fire swallowers because I won't ever have to swallow it, just breathe it!

- Droopy drawers.  No matter what pants you buy, they fall down on you.  I have 4 different kinds of pants and the bella band and still I'm hiking up my pants all day long. Women, you do not enjoy this either, I know it.

- Mood swings.  Once minute you're happy go lucky and the next minute you're tearing your husband a new one for looking at you the wrong way.  Pregnant women put the "B" in bitch, that's for sure.  Okay so may be we do enjoy this a little bit.  I think being pregnant has given me balls of steel - well this could be a good and/or bad thing...

So give it to me honestly, ladies.  Did you enjoy all this?  Do you love all those things simultaneously while your belly is growing out?  Actually who could love any of those things on their own!

Granted I have to admit there are a few things neat about being pregnant.  People tend to smile at you more.  You can eat like a pig and not feel like a pig.  You have an instant resting place for you hands and/or food.  There is a little human being playing soccer in your belly which is pretty fun.

The next time you're about to say, "I loved being pregnant", think twice about it.  You give all other women who have not had babies yet this false hope that it's awesome.  It is awesome the idea of it but not all the actual symptoms.

Please note that I'm not complaining about pregnancy because I am already in love with our baby and would take all these symptoms again times 10 to go through it again.  But I will never tell people I loved being pregnant!


First time baby mamma with back pain who can't bend over


Cheryl said...

You can't post a comment like that and then have me not come over and read it.

Although I really regret it because oh my god why the hell would anyone want this? Not that I want to be offensive or anything like that, I'm really stoked you're having a baby, but like, I mean for me...

you know what, you read my blog. you know me well. I don't need to explain myself.

I ain't lettin nothin grow inside of me. Especially not if it's going to be making an handprint on my stomach.

Jessie said...

lol you're too funny!

Anonymous said...

You have terrified me...and the pictures didn't help! (ha ha)


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