Thursday, November 12, 2009

Age, it's just a number

So if that's true, then why do I feel so old? And do you think I feel older because Jared is SO much older than me (hahah okay so he's really on 4 years older...). I was looking in the mirror in my work bathroom's mirror which has horrible lighting but still it's a mirror and I found a big, fat gray hair in my mane. I've always been the kind of person that said I don't want to dye my hair as I grow older. I want to age naturally. This one gray hair really makes me think some more about that...

I'm not really freaked out about growing older. It's inevitable for everyone (unless you're Benjamin Button). The one thing I have a problem with is how fast life goes by. I remember when I was 8 or 9 years old and I couldn't wait to see what I'd look like as a teenager. It consumed me every day. I was dying to know how I'd look all grown up, wearing cool clothes, and dating boys. I just couldn't get there fast enough. Then I got there and grew past it. The only problem was I never went and pictured what I'd be like in my twenties or (gasp!) my thirties! My whole early life it seemed I was focused on being a young adult and never got my mind around the fact that I will age past that. So now I'm just floating along wondering what happened to my youth and why I'm so old!

It does feel like just yesterday I was in high school with no worries, no cares in the world (other than who was dating whom, who liked me, and my next big sports game coming up). If only I had prepared myself back then for my twenties, marriage, children, and responsibilities, I feel I'd be better off right now. But honestly who thinks about those things when you're 17 and having fun? Every day, I wake up, make lunches and breakfast, make the bed, start work to pay the bills and provide a roof over my head, and then get ready at night for another day on the grind. No one warns you how fast you go from having a blast and being care free to spending all your free time cleaning house, doing laundry, and buying home improvement items. All my money, and I mean all my money (I mean our money) goes into our home. From upkeep, fixes, upgrades, etc, talk about a money pit! But I love our home and it's so worth it. However again, I never pictured myself as a homeowner buying boilers and mulch. Maybe still five years later after being with Jared and having responsibilities I'd get used to it but not so much!

Some days I wake up with intense back pain and exhaustion dreading my day ahead, I wonder what happened here? When did I get so old!? When we can't watch an entire movie because it's past ten at night and Jared is snoring on the couch and I'm not too far from it, I think when did I get so old?! When I feel stomach flutters and remember, oh yeah, I'm pregnant and going to be responsible for someone else, I wonder, how did I get so old and holy shit?!

Honestly I am scared of getting older but I can't stop the process. It doesn't matter that I'm way closer to 30 than ever before. I'm not worried about my aches and pains. I could care less if my face gets all wrinkled and my hair all gray (but honestly it has to wait until at least my fifties!!). Right now I've made a pact with myself to start realizing that life is just beginning not ending. I need to be grateful for my health and for all I've worked hard for. I can't be a young, carefree adult but I can embrace my responsibilities and enjoy my new role as a mother-to-be. I can focus more on the here and now rather than the past and what will happen in the future. Easier said than done but in order to move on and love my age, that's what I need to do.

Okay enough of the wining for today. See what happens when you find a gray hair...oy vey!


MaryBeth said...

Just imagine how those of us who turned 35 this year feel!

Jessie said...

35?! nah! you couldn't be :)

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...