I've had enough showers, I'm nice and clean now

If you are a bride-to-be, have recently got married or going to get married some time soon, do not keep reading. If you are pregnant, or going to be pregnant soon, do not read below. I'm warning you. I'm in a bitchy mood and don't want to offend anyone. I'm serious. Don't go tell all your friends, "That Jessie, man, what a bitch! I can't believe what she said!" I warned you so don't say I didn't!

So I'm going to start off with the brides...
First of all, back in the day, the way our parents did it was this, you get out of high school, and then you go right from your parents house and into the house of your newly wed husband/wife (sometimes college was in between that) but generally speaking there wasn't much of this whole have your own apartment, live together before you're married thing, etc. Therefore times, they have a changed! (not to be confused with "times, they are a changin.." cause it's too late, it's done...).

So what is my point, I'm getting to it. If you don't go right from your parent's house to the a new house with your newly wedded spouse and you've lived with your new spouse for so many freakin years or you've been on your own for many years before moving in with him/her, do you not have ANY thing? I'm just wondering if there is a need for you to have a huge shower for every single woman you've ever known to come to a big party to buy you everything you could ever want/need and more when you obviously already have plates or towels or glasses. Unless you live like a cave man and eat with your hands off the floor. I know, all the brides are freaking out right now because they did NOT listen and are still reading.

But honestly think about it. Is it fair for you to register for all this crap when you won't ever use half of it? And honestly do people even cook these days? Think about the last time you've even used every tool in your kitchen? If you never have even used what you already have, what makes you think you need a $20 rolling pin or a $15 spatula? Think about it ladies?! Why waste your time registering for this crap! Why waste all our time with this type of party when we ooh and ahh over toaster ovens, 14 different types of stemware, when let's face it, you're a klutz and know you won't ever have a complete set of them.

So what am I saying? No shower? No, I'm saying don't be selfish. If you don't have nice china or nice flat ware, register for that. Don't make all the women you know shop up and down isles of 3 different stores looking at 10 different pages of shit you don't need and will never need or use.

While I'm on the subject, can't you use one store, I mean come on... The last thing I want when I open up an invite is to have 5-6 different cards fall out - registered here, and here and here. People, this is TACKY!!! It's basically saying: buy me something, who cares that it's a party.

One last thing... don't make your guests bring something other than a gift. Oh, so and so are starting a recipe shelf so buy them a cook book to get that started. Gag me! Don't expect to make your guests buy you a gift (where you're registered for nothing under $50) and bring something on top of that. That is kind of rude and asking a lot. Cute idea but a bit much. Sorry ladies to burst your bubble.

I think this whole "shower" thing has gotten WAY out of hand as you can tell. It's not that I don't like buying new couples things to help start their lives, but I don't think it's relevant in this day and age anymore. There should be new rules for bridal showers so let me know if you'd like to contribute to my new book: Tacky or Timeless: The 21st Century Bridal Guide to Having a Shower or Not

Now on to baby showers...

Again, think about this. If you were born in the 80s, you can relate to this. Did you grow up with a boppy, bumpo, bimpy or bimbo? See my point? There was no such thing as Babies R Us back in those days. But now, God forbid a woman give birth with out at least five things from every isle at Babies R Us. I mean, she would probably not be able to raise the child properly and would have to go to counseling for at least ten weeks and have an in home baby sitter to baby sit the mother.

It just annoys me that the 21st century mother can not live with out 15 pages of registry items from Babies R Us. Just to let you all know... when I get pregnant, I am going to scan EVERYTHING at Babies R Us, and I mean EVERYTHING. Because that is basically what young pregnant mother's do, right? No offense to any young preggos out there.

Just to let you know, I'm pretty sure we can all raise children without Babies R Us. I think it can be done. So, if Babies R Us was to go under, no need to fret moms, things will be A-OKAY. Just read my new book, in the works now: A 21st Century Baby Without Babies R US